Checking in after 20 days. A little background, I am a late 20 yr/old male who recently moved across the country for work. I had been struggling with a PMO addiction for basically my entire life. I was exposed to porn when I was about 10, and also may have been sexually abused (I am working this out with a professional).
About 3 months ago I did something witch almost completely ended and may have permanently damaged my relationship with one of my family members. I was rapidly becoming overwhelmed with stress. My anxiety was getting out of control. I would sit at home all day feeling totally incapable of leaving and doing really anything to better myself or my life. I was feeling like my employment situation was hopeless. I suffer from body dysmorphia. I was spending a ton of time alone, essentially sulking… and masturbating. I finally realized that I needed to do something to end the compounding cycle of depression that I was experiencing.
I began heavily using marijuana (it may sound like I am recommending it below, please note that I believe you should talk to a doctor before using. I am simply describing my experience with it) For the majority of my life, I was really against marijuana, but I have recently begun using it regularly at night to unwind and help me sleep. While high, I my mind would be clear of the majority of the shit that was usually swimming around in there. I began to really think deeply about what was wrong with me. I started to self-diagnose, which I know is dangerous. I started to think back to specific events in my past and tried to find a correlation between what I was feeling and how the events may have affected me. I began hunting the internet for possible solutions and a better diagnosis of what I was experiencing. I finally realized that I needed to find professional help.
I started meeting with a psychiatrist. My first few meetings my brain was so scattered that I basically just spewed my life story, in no real sensible order to my doctor, but man It felt GREAT. It felt amazing just knowing that I was doing something positive and being as proactive as I could be. This is when I found r/nofap. I read all through the wiki, and the notes, and a ton of personal accounts and decided that I would give it a try because it couldn’t hurt.
I am on day 20 now, and I really feel amazing. It hasn’t been easy, but I really think I am starting to get what this is all about. I’ll start with some of my struggles.
The main issue, which seems fairly obvious, is that I often experience the urge to PMO. Its crazy hard to avoid. But I started finding ways to mitigate that, and it really just came down to limiting my exposure to temptation as much as possible.
Beyond that, here’s what I have done to find success so far and what I am starting to learn about this whole process.
Self-reflection has been key for me. Even if I fail and break down and start PMO’ing I will feel better knowing that I have really come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I took a hard look in the “black mirror,” and realized that I had a ton of self-destructive habits in my day to day life, so I have cut them out basically cold turkey.
I watched YouTube for Hours at a time. Videos of powerlifters (I trained as a powerlifter), and videos of people playing video games, or people cooking. I realized that in a way, these videos reinforced a lot of the same things that porn does, essentially that my place in life is as a voyeur. I also realized that in addition to being addicted to PMO’ing, I was addicted to using means of avoidance. I spend my day doing things that kept my mind off my own short comings, my family issues, my fear of joining the world of the living and also just my fear of failure. Having to carry the weight of these things on my back made it impossible for me to focus, have sincere friendships and kept me from opening up to others about how I was feeling.
I think a big thing that a lot of people on this thread might struggle with really is an addiction to avoidance. When you cant get things done, the to-do list gets longer and longer, thus adding stress and making it harder to really fix anything. I started to realize that for me, the path to a “cure,” was simply action. I needed to start doing the things that I always knew I should do.
When people write things like, take a cold shower or meditate, they write it for a reason. It is a way to practice not avoiding things that may be hard or uncomfortable. Beyond that, learning to be comfortable with the feeling of being uncomfortable. I still struggle with that, but I threw myself in feet first to the idea of pushing myself to be a better person and embracing the feeling of being uncomfortable. Now when I start to feel super anxious (which happens quite often) I simply sit and try to become OK with the feeling. I don’t run away from it, I don’t hide from it and I don’t beat myself up for feeling the way I feel. The same thing goes for what happens when I feel like I need to PMO. I don’t run from the feeling, I don’t beat myself up for feeling the need, I just sit with the feeling and learn to be OK with it. We can’t control how we feel, but we can control how we react to it.
Reading some of the top posts, and the habits of successful people has been super helpful. I set a few goals, and am being rigid about achieving them. I am not worried about being perfect anymore, I am simply trying to be better every day. I have started reading again. I make a point to set an alarm on my phone and have been spending 30 minutes a day learning another language. I am also making a point to spend ~30 minutes getting back into guitar.
I haven’t experienced any “super powers,” but I have experienced a much greater degree of mental clarity. I am much more relaxed, and happier all around. I have had a couple of days where I was super energized, focused and productive for the entire day! Something that I haven’t experienced in years. My room has never been cleaner, and I am really feeling more confident day to day.
To sum it up, No fap really isn’t just about not PMO’ing, it’s about facing your inner demons and learning that you have the strength to not let them control your life. You have the ability to take control of your life. Cut out the toxic elements, start being a better person today. You can do it.
Submitted December 15, 2016 at 09:48PM by fixingproblems http://ift.tt/2hqrOxO
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