Hi, this is my first ever post on Reddit (but I lurk on a couple of subs). I figured I would come on this sub because I'm not quite sure how to deal with grief.
This is the first time I've ever had someone I cared for die. Her name was (was? is?—even picking between these two verbs seems surreal) Yawe. She was my nanny when I was a baby up until I was maybe 9 or 10, then she had a falling-out with my mom and I didn't see her for many years. Eventually she came back in our family's life. We've always treated her like family and she is the closest thing I've ever had to a grandma (I never knew my parents' moms).
She took fantastic care of me when I was a kid, and even after she no longer worked for our family. Growing up, my parents had a pretty unstable relationship and there would be times when my mom would just fall off the grid after fighting with my dad, leaving me alone at home. I would call Yawe and she would leave her work (she was a cook for another family) to come and stay with me, or she would pick me up and let me stay with her in the maid's quarters at the house she worked at.
Yawe always took care of me as best as she could. She would always give me a little bit of money to add to my allowance, or she would bring me some goodies to eat when she would visit our house. She was the one who taught me how to bake apple pie, and I always enjoyed all her specialties: korean beef, chicken alexander, angus beef spaghetti, soups, and so much more... she showed a lot of her love through cooking.
She was a small, petite little lady. Never married, never had kids. I was her baby. Thinking back now, I probably didn't appreciate her as much as I should have when I was a kid. I took for granted that she would always be there. I remember telling her when I was younger that when I grew up and got a job, I would take care of her like she took care of me.
When I went away to university, I had to move away from home so I saw her less often. Her health was also beginning to deteriorate. She was diabetic and she smoked for most of her life. Even with her health conditions, she still loved to eat and have whatever was bad for her! Fatty food, sugary desserts, salty food, Coca Cola... We would tell her all the time to cut down on the bad food but she just didn't want to. I'd like to think that she at least enjoyed food in her life... It gives me some comfort to know that she loved food till the very end.
She went home to her province to retire in July this year. She was getting sicker and couldn't move around as much as before, so my family gave her the money for travel and we kept in touch through text ever since. Before she left, I had her promise me that she would stop smoking. We would text every week or every other week, and I would remind her every once in a while of her promise. I never called her. I honestly don't know why. I think a part of it was that I just didn't want to hear how much sicker she had gotten... now I deeply regret it. How I wish I could hear her say my name again, or hear her tell me she loves me, to take care of myself... I regret not calling her and telling her I love her. I miss her voice. I'm sure she missed mine and I feel so shitty that I never called her. I texted her often and always made sure to tell her I love her but I never called her. Is it normal to feel so guilty?
I got to talk to her though, once, around the 21st of December. She was greeting us merry Christmas and we were coordinating the details of how to send money and gifts to her in the province. I made sure to tell her I loved her; little did I know it would be the last time I would ever get to.
I texted her again on the 25th, on Christmas, to greet her. She didn't reply so I thought she just didn't have phone credit and I made a mental note to send her some the next day. I thought about calling her but it slipped my mind. On the evening of the 26th, I received a text from her number, but it was her sister asking us to call. I found it odd because Yawe would always be the one to text me, and I was already thinking something bad had happened to her, like she was in the hospital or she was very sick.
We called and her sister answered. She told us that Yawe had passed away on the 23rd. They were worried because they checked her phone and saw that there were messages from my family, so we obviously didn't know what had happened. She told us that she passed away in her sleep. Yawe just didn't wake up anymore on Christmas Eve, though they tried to still bring her to the hospital but it was too late. She was 68, the youngest of their siblings. Her sister told us that true to her promise, she had stopped smoking when she retired to the province. I was happy to hear that, at least.
I don't know exactly what I feel. I'm distraught. I loved Yawe very much and she was such a big part of my life. My parents and I aren't close to our relatives so I've never had to deal with death like this before. It hurts. Does it really hurt this much? I miss her so much. I regret not calling her more often. Our birthdays are days apart, hers on the 26th and mine 29th October, and I'm already dreading the first birthday without her. We always celebrated our birthdays together with a big dinner at home. I feel so sad that she couldn't even make it till I had graduated university. Whenever I would make it to the dean's list I always made sure to tell her that all my efforts were for her and my parents, and she always congratulated me and thanked me and told me she was proud of me. I really wish she could've seen me in my toga and with my diploma. I wish she could've waited a bit longer until I could come visit her in the province in the summer. Why is death so cruel? At least I know she's no longer riddled with the aches and pains she complained about so much these last few months. And maybe she's somewhere playing with our pet cats who had also passed away... It comforts me to know that they have each other and that none of them are lonely wherever they are.
Does it get easier? I've been crying my eyes out the whole night, and the first thing I did when I woke up today was cry. I wish I could come to her burial but her province is a ways away and it's difficult to get to where her family stays. Will she hate me for not being able to go? At the same time I'm scared of seeing her in the coffin, cold and... dead. That's not how I want to remember her. Is it bad that I feel this way? That I don't want to see her in that state?
I've never dealt with grief before. I don't know what to feel, how long to feel it for, what to say or how to act. I just know that it hurts and I miss her very much. I'd appreciate anything you guys have to say. Thank you.
RIP Yawe, I'll always love you. Teng.
Submitted December 27, 2016 at 12:22AM by sereneities http://ift.tt/2ilOs8w
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