TLDR: my husband is so negative after getting news of needing a transplant and falling ill. It is making me feel like dirt.
So sorry if this is long I tried to wait till I was less emotional to post but I just don't know what do to anymore.
My husband and I have been married since April. It has been a real whirlwind. We started dating almost a two years ago but I had moved in only a few months into our relationship. We were doing the long distance thing as I'm from Canada but we had been good friends for two years prior to dating so moving in didn't seem like as big a step because of the situation. You see right before I moved in he got news that he needed a transplant and asked me to stay while I was on a visit.
The problem is he is just so negative. He is always talking about how nothing in his life ever goes right. For a while I ignored it because, after all, I expected he would be struggling a lot after finding out he needed a transplant at such a young age. But it has become a bit ridiculous and very hurtful. He is a big fan of a certain show but we gave up cable to save money since he is on disability and I can't really work (you need to pay like 400$ to apply for a SSN) but I brought a smart box over from Canada. It's really great but a lot of the live channels don't work well. Every week we try watching it and any time it doesn't work perfectly he says pretty much the same thing 'of course why would anything in my life go right'. I know it sounds dumb but he gets so upset that is honestly uncomfortable to be around him while it plays. It is a popular show so it is up on the smart box within five minutes of the show ending but he insists on watching it live.
Even ordering food is stressful. We rarely eat out because money is tight but occasionally if I'm too unwell to cook (I do all the cooking) we buy something. A few weeks ago it turned out the local Chinese place had changed their delivery hours and we ordered too late. I offered to find another place, cook something not even walk to the local burger place that doesn't deliver but again he used the whole 'I can't have anything I want, nothing in my life goes right, god/the universe hates me' spiel. Even one time he told me to pick the topping of pizza and I went with classic pepperoni (bye I asked him what he wanted and he wouldn't really give me a straight answer) which he then said he didn't like and was just going to not eat anything but of course he stopped sulking when the pizza came and did.
As a third example and the one that made me post, my husband smokes pot to help with the extreme nausea his condition causes. Please no lectures I know it's not an ideal situation but he mostly is using it between nausea medications while his doctors figure out something that will work, otherwise he throws up everything he manages to eat. He orders it online and the guy said he shipped it over the weekend and it would be here in three days. He just got a usps alert saying they only got it today and it won't be here till Monday. He was pissed and starting going on again about how now he won't be able to eat all weekend (to be fair, I do consider this a genuine complaint) and that nothing in his life goes right. Last time this happened I went to a local bar to find a dealer, even though I have a lot of social anxiety and this made me really uncomfortable, in case it happened again. Well I found someone so when my husband told me what happened I told him that I would contact the guy tonight and hopefully get something. He went on a bit more so I repeated what I had said, he said he had no control over that so he wouldn't get his hopes up. All I said to this was 'okay' because I figured he was either saying 'no don't do that' or that he didn't want to hear anything until it was finalized. He got very angry and said he could never talk to me because of how snippy I get (I suppose I could have had a tone, what he was saying was hurting me pretty bad). Then he said 'whatever I'll be dead soon anyways' and then went into the bedroom saying he was just going to lie in the dark and wait for it to be over.
So there are some examples and here is why I find it so upsetting. We have been married for less then a year. I literally dropped everything to be here with him, my visit was just a small summer vacation from my job and I wasn't supposed to stay with him. I left a very good job in finance (it was a summer job but the school year rehire was still very good and I LOVED that job). I had already pissed my boss off asking for a few more days because he heard such bad news with the transplant and then they get to the office on Monday to see my email saying I'm not coming back at all. We have pretty much no money so I have only been one twice since then and haven't seen my family in a year. My sister had a baby I couldn't be there for. He is very sick, like real sick I've been to his doctor appointments, so I do all the cooking and grocery shopping (once a month he might cook and sometimes runs to the store for more soda), pretty much all the cleaning (sometimes he'll do the dishwasher), and 75% of the pet care (including hand cooking his food by hand since he is a sick dog). I had to take out student loans to support us until disability payments started so instead of graduating debt free I now owe over 10k. I have no insurance so I need to stretch out the few pills I have left so I often suffer from my migraines and stomach issues. Every night I give him foot and back massages to help him sleep. But he has such bad insomnia that our sleep schedule is inverted so I sometimes don't get to sleep myself until noon and know that it is winter there are days I don't even get to see the sun. Nearly all my stuff is still in Canada. He is so sick that I can't leave the house for long so even though I've been here over a year I've maybe pretty much no friends and I can't even walk to the library for fresh air (hell I don't even know where the library is). I sold off some jewelry I used to make that I had stick piled (a legal grey area as far as the law is concerned) so we had a little extra money and is till gave a bunch to him even though he gets gov money every month while I'm scrambling to pay for the rest of my immigration with my savings/loan money. Last month he had a bad reaction to a med they gave him post surgery and I had to deal with his insane, frankly bordering on abusive, behaviour for four days and didn't even get an apology after, he just acted like it never happened and sometimes makes vague mentions of how the meds made his memory foggy (I don't even know if that's a lie or real).
Sorry to emotionally vomit that all out but the point is I've done a whole fucking lot for him. I gave up my whole life in Canada for him. Many of my friends lost touch with me so I have no one to talk to while he complains when his best friend doesn't contact him everyday. The fact that he is constantly going on about how he has nothing good and nobody loves him makes me feel like nothing and no one. I realized while writing this that I've actually mentioned this a few times but I can't ever think of a time he acknowledged this or even an apology about hurting my feelings. Right now he is lying the other too and I don't know if I'm supposed to give him space or go check on him. I feel like I'll get in trouble for either ignoring him or not giving him the time he needs. I even asked what he wanted but he wouldn't tell me.
I know his illness was a huge blow and he hates being dependent on someone but I feel like he is taking it out on me / doesn't appreciate me at all.
Can anyone offer me some help, I feel like I am drowning here.
Submitted December 16, 2016 at 03:10AM by pushedtothe_edge http://ift.tt/2gHTZ7C
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