A couple of weeks ago we had some friends over for a dinner party. We just finished moving into our new place, so it was time for our people to have a look and play some cranium.
We get everything ready. House is clean, food is bought, people are texted and on their way. I'm slowly throwing together some ingredients. I have a frittata going in one pan and some fajitas are ready to go in another. People start showing up, and everything is great, save for one thing... my balls itch like a motherfucker.
This happens sometimes. Usually around cats. I'm not sure why, it's not like I let cats bat at my nards. And I'm not handling my nards all the time. Now there were no cats around, but my nards were inconveniently itchy nonetheless. Must be seasonal.
Whatever. Except I can't have crazy itchy nards while I'm trying to whip out these fajitas. Everyone is gathered around the dining table looking at an old yearbook, and I'm not gonna gamble they won't see me if I break character and go to town. And I don't even trust my subconscious self enough not to sneak a scratch without me knowing.
So I duck into the bedroom and take out a can of Benadryl spray. I've used this stuff before when I slept at my girlfriend's house, because she has a cat. I'm pretty worried about me even looking funny while I'm cooking, so I lather it on. I mean I REALLY spray it all over, and then I rub it in. And then the burning starts. So I spend another several minutes silently screaming because benadryl BURNS the SHIT out of one's nardsack. Which always made me uncomfortable. I mean it doesn't burn any other part of my body, save for my beard (because cats make that itch, too), but being in the healthcare industry, I really did consider maybe this stuff wasn't getting along with my nardsack. I really don't think it plays well with apocrine glands. And it always worried me, but I was still willing to gamble those unknowns on ensuring none of my friends saw me sandpapering my sack and cooking their fajitas all at once. That's not the juggling act I invited them over to see.
So the screaming is over, and I'm in the kitchen making the shit out of those fajitas. I whip everything out like a boss, everyone is happy, and we get in a few games of cranium with some glasses of mulled wine before people have to go home. It was a good night.
Fast-forward a couple nights. Me and my girl are trying to have some fun. We hadn't in while, and we were really looking forward to it. So much to our surprise when an hour in and my wiener is practically half way up inside me. I'm serious, I think it actually got smaller the more aroused I was. What the fuck? Never happened before. I'm young and in shape. Shouldn't happen ever. We're both upset. She thinks I don't find her attractive anymore. I think I have Peyronie's disease or some fucked up neurologic problem. We chalk it off to stress after really talking it out, and go to bed.
The next night we try again, thinking it was a fluke. An odd fluke, since I hadn't even masturbated in a week, but a fluke all the same. We get things going this time, but within 30 seconds, my wiener shrinks from full sized to smaller than its ever been. I can't explain this, and she really thinks I hit my head, or found someone else, or I'm gay now. And I'm really worried, too. Maybe I have a great big brain tumor in the... sex part of the brain... or I have a bus sized blood clot down there? Who knows...
I don't, hopefully the fucking doctor does. I explain everything to the guy. He really doesn't know either, and kinda thinks the ice baths I take messed up my innards. Then I remember spraying Benadryl all over my junk. Turns out antihistamines in high local doses can really fuck up your sex endeavors! Good thing doctor was fresh off the boat from the World Reproductivity Conference 2016!
Anyways, about a week later and my wiener works again, and my girlfriend doesn't think I'm as gay anymore! Be careful what you spray on your junk, kids!
TL;DR Sprayed benadryl all over my junk so I wouldn't scratch when cooking fajitas for friends. Wound up putting it to sleep, and the ensuing erectile dysfunction convinced my girlfriend I was gay.
Submitted December 31, 2016 at 11:16AM by FlaccidFajitas http://ift.tt/2ioEG5X
No comments:
Post a Comment