It's 3:00 am on NYE for me, so it's technically my 34th birthday. I haven't posted or really commented since just before Christmas, bc I've been really struggling a lot with my depression and anxiety. Although I had a pretty good Christmas overall--one of the best I've had in years, actually--I got some not-so-great news from my dad about his health, and about plans that affect me. I think mostly bc he didn't come here after all, I really didn't have much of an urge to drink for the days leading up to, and including, Christmas & Boxing Day. A couple of my siblings, and my mom, were here. I had some sparkling grape juice, and some cranberry juice & ginger ale punch. I actually felt pretty normal about not drinking, since nobody else had anything to drink that whole week either. But it's been back to just me and my sister since Monday night.
I have always hated my birthday, and my depression and anxiety have just snowballed in the last few weeks the closer it has gotten. The cravings for alcohol, and the urge to completely numb myself til the holidays and my birthday have passed, have been crazy strong in these last few days.
I know I can get through this, bc I don't currently have access to alcohol, so it's kind of a default situation. There is a bottle of cooking sherry in the house somewhere, that used to sit in full view on the kitchen counter, that I would stare down on some of my bad days as a reminder that I can do this. But when I started really struggling (when I joined this sub), I asked my sister to hide it from me. And I haven't broken down and tried to look for it.
But damn does this whole "sitting with uncomfortable feelings" thing suck right now.
I'm mostly posting this to get those feelings out. I don't have a good idea of what I'll be doing with my life in the next couple of months, never mind the next year. But in a year from now--no matter where I am, or what I'm doing, I hope that I'll look back here, at where I am at this moment. I hope I will recognize and appreciate that I'm stronger than I usually give myself credit for.
One way or another, I will get through today. And I will get through it without drinking with any of you.
Submitted December 31, 2016 at 03:59AM by ElegiacElephant http://ift.tt/2ii0n9Z
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