CHANGE. I am terrified of change.

I stay up all night so often not wanting to go to sleep because I settle in the current moment. I know its safe. I know what to expect. I am in control of this situation. When I change that situation, I bring in new experiences. I say "new" like its things im unfamiliar with but its stuff like cooking food, showering, or even playing a new video game WHILE SITTING AT MY COMPUTER. I go in circles in the same spot for hours, trying to stay entertained while avoiding doing anything else but really being bored out of my mind.

I stay quiet during conversations because I fear what I add to conversation and the changes it will create. I fear changing the subject it not being taken well, or if it is, they end up enjoying talking about it more than I do and i go back to being quiet.

At work I fear learning new things because I will not be able to do them well and will beat myself up. How did I get this job if I cant perform like the employees who have been here for ages? of course they had to learn but I cant see myself so low on the totem pole and be okay with it. I have to be better. There is always room for improvement. I could be more efficient at work. I could focus better. I could remember all the small tasks to do throughout the day. I could get along better with my coworkers. but I dont because I fear change.

I dont trust people. there is always that thought in the back of my mind of "the people whom you were ever closest with crossed you." which is almost completely true. I cant let someone believe I trust them and have good intentions and care because they will take advantage of that. I'm setting myself up for that again when I get close to people and trust them.

I need to buy food, but Im afraid of spending the money. but its not like there is a way around it, I HAVE to buy food to stay alive. Still scary because I have this much money now and its a stable and safe amount, so buying things pushes me closer to the edge.

I get nervous when I go to my parents house because that is social interaction. the two people who will always have my back, I cant socialize with because I dont trust that what will come out of my mouth will be something I like. Im constantly afraid of how harshly I judge myself. I have bullied myself into my own dark side's submission. I am critical of every single action I make. How I sit, walk, when i make certain movements, how often I take a sip from a drink, when I laugh, everything feels like a fucking ACT to look normal but inside I am freaking the fuck out. But if I'm stronger than to show that to the world so I just play the card of "yeah i'm mellow and chill" when really ive got boatloads of energy waiting to be let loose and thats kind of scary too. Im afraid of changing and letting it all out.

I'm afraid of change and that is causing a heap of issues.

Submitted December 31, 2016 at 06:48AM by ThePeskyWabbit http://ift.tt/2iQb5p4