6 Years ago I was a freshman at university. I had every intention of partying hard, having lots of sex and generally living it up like a first year student is suppose to. It started that way but then I met C.
I had never had much luck with the opposite sex up uptil that point but I guess my care free attitude and loose 'pretend' confidence seemed to be working for me. C and I ended up hanging out; it starts just watching crap on a laptop in the evenings, to having a few drinks or spliffs whilst watching crap on a laptop, to cooking meals everynight together and couple stuff... All without actually being a couple.
I like to think we both knew what was happening, or we wouldnt have chosen to spend so much time with eachother? Equally I was probably more infactuated with her than she was with me and sometimes she would be 'busy' or mabye even slightly cold towards me - but because we were just casual friends who kissed and had sex and cooked together everynight, I was in no position to throw my toys out the pram or even question these behaviours? Maybe I should have.
It got to the point where our flatmates (we lived in seperate flate but the same block) noticed we were pretty much an item without being an item.
In hindsight I was a fool and insecure. Because of my lack of luck with the opposite sex up uptil now, I couldnt seem to work out why this amazing girl wanted to spend time with me, kiss me and gaze deeply into my eyes?
I fell in love with her (my real first love looking back now) and I never even let her know. Instead I just kept moving on, day by day - knowing that we had 'something but nothing'.
A few months went by and we still hung out daily, cooked together, partied together & had the same circle of friends.
I heard from another friend that C might have been sleeping with another dude who happened to live a few floors above me. One night I heard her laugh from above when I hadnt been able to make contact with her. - Its no biggie because we werent exclusive right? Despite the closeness, there had been no chat or mention of rules ect - but we were atleast 7 months into something and up until now I had been exclusive to her. - Because she was brilliant, attractive, easy going and I had no reason to look elsewhere. I loved her.
One stupid night our circle of friends went out partying. I had stupidly taken some buzzy drugs and has no intention of sleeping that night and ended up allowing a female friend (not C) to crash at my place. - I gave the keys infront of C and said its late, its fine, crash at mine. I wont be in for hours....
At that point I was doing her a favour, we all knew her & everyone knew I was pretty head over heels with C, + not being exclusive - its no dramas?
Fast forward 4 hours.
I get back to my place and cant find my keys... Thats when I remember I gave them to my friend and she is in my room crashing. She wasnt crashing, she was naked on my bed waiting for me to get back. She a typical cute german girl.
I actually put my arm around her on top of the duvet, it was a tiny bed and I was so messed up I though that I would just pass out. Well I didnt and we ended up having sex. Both that night (early morning) and again later when waking up.
Despite my feelings for C, I did it. I cant blame drugs or alcohol (i can) but I wont. But I do remember it being great.
That next morning, C texs me - Come see me, im so hungover. I dropped this german girl like a hot potato and dumped her with my flatmate. I made a silly excuse about needing to sort a lift for some heavy boxes just so I could go and see C. I knew what I had done, but C was who I wanted to see and be with.
I went downstairs and C asked me if I had been with her - knowing full well that she had spent the night in my room.
I lied, I said no and she said uhhhh it doesnt even matter whilst kissing me and passed me a condom. We had sex.
Summer holiday approaches and we all left the big complex where we stayed. I visited C a few times in her hometown and things were the same as when we were at uni, we kissed, we gazed into eachothers eyes and I could fully lose myself with her.
One day (still during summer) - I phoned her up and some guy answered the phone, he said that she didnt want to speak to me I should leave her alone... At this point I was guessing why..
I persisted and tried over several weeks and months to speak with her, to clear things up and to put things right if possible... I mean we were not exclusive, I heard rumours that she had been sleeping with others too? I get the timing wasnt great with two girls back to back but ummm I felt in the dark.
This happened 6 years ago and every year I have sent her happy birthday and happy christmas messages. Sometimes ill recieve a thanks after, sometimes not.
It sucks to go from being able to comfortable gaze into the depths of eachothers eyes to struggling to send twice yearly pleasantries.
Anyway, I spoke with a friend from uni recently and opened up to them as to what happened.... People knew we fell out but they know little more than that. My friend suffested that I try to message her/ reconnect and clear the air.
I sent a message on facebook and I was unfriended and blocked. I tried to connect via instagram and the same.
So 6 years on, im over it. But she was my first love. She wont know this, and she probably never will. I can only guess why things ended the way they did. Maybe we should of communicated better. I can only say that we were both young, naieve and foolish.
Since then ive not really found anyone who I can look into the depths of their eyes like I looked into hers... I long for that day to come again, where I can feel totally content and comfortable without any worry in the world.
I would do anything to clear the air, talk over what happened and have her back in my life in any kind of capacity but it seems as if that is far from possible..
Submitted December 31, 2016 at 08:04AM by seeyouatthecrossroa http://ift.tt/2iit0Uo
No comments:
Post a Comment