Wednesday, March 1, 2017

Me and my husband [29M/F] with my best friend of 16 years [29F] How do we get her to move out of our apartment?

I have a best friend, Kristen. To preface Kristen is in general an awesome friend. She is very polite and fun to be with. We have always gotten along great. She is pretty much a sister to me and I love her and only want what's best for her.

So a year and a half ago Kristen was getting tired of living with her parents for a number of reasons. The main one being that she had gotten a new job and the 1.5 hr commute one way, was really starting to get to her. We live in a pretty expensive area right outside NYC, because husband and I too commute. However, since we both mainly work remotely, it benefits us to have parks, country clubs and actual neighborhoods but still have the bus literally outside our door. It's a win/win. We are currently saving for a house (geez, it's like half a million for a two bedroom and no backyard ) but we still really like our current place.

Kristen HAD a bf at the time. However; in order to feel "ready" to get into the groove/pace and paperwork of the large hospitals in our area he had moved 3 hours away to work for a year at a slightly smaller one; to serve as a stepping stone. Half a year had passed since he started working but Kristen couldn't wait another 6 months and was looking to move out. She complained to me that she needed a place and needed it NOW; the stress was too much. She proposed all of us moving into a townhouse (we currently have a small 2 bedroom, one room converted to an office since we work remotely mostly.) She proposed husband and I would get one floor and she and bf would get the other. For 6 months we'd split the rent 3 ways and then bf would move down and we could split the rent 4 ways. Even with 4 people the rent alone wouldn't allow us to save for a house so we disagreed. Kristen lamented and so husband and I decided we could give her our office, move our desks into the bedroom, and in 6 months bf would move down and she would move out. For a half a year, it seemed fine. Kristen would be closer to her job at a discounted rate and we would get some extra money to put toward the house fund. Awesome.

Well 6 months passed and Kristen and bf broke up. No biggie; she can stay here. We all get along great and we can still be saving money. Let the good times roll!

Now the thing about Kristen is that she has a lot of medical issues. She has a chronic illness and is also very accident prone. This leads her to be skipping out on work. During her time with us she also got a surgery for her sinuses and paired with her chronic illness had left her to miss a lot of work= late rent and IOUs. Finally due to unrelated reasons (her company downsized and got rid of an entire department) she lost her job. Uhoh. To this she said "The hell with it" and quit searching for an office job to pursue her dream of working in film. She started working as a PA and in sound; carrying 50 pounds of equipment for hours at a time (she is only 5'2) and working 15 hour shifts. She seemed to enjoy the work and it made her happy. I was proud and supported her. She then got casted for a role and went on an intense diet, losing about 25 pounds in a single month. Because of her intense schedule it became my burden to prepare her specially made meals (I already did all the cooking at home but now aside from the meals husband and I already ate I had to specially prepare hers.) She stopped contributing to cleaning up, I also do all her laundry. (which is okay, since the laundry room is connected to our bedroom) as well as doing errands for her because she is too busy to run them herself. The madness stops for a while, when she trips on set; causing her to twist an ankle and be in a leg brace for some time. Her chronic illness then flares up again. The leg, combined with the intense diet and crazy hours finally get to her. She is a little behind on rent because she is a little behind on work.

Finally she lands a position as a production coordinator. She's moving up and I can't be more happy for her! However in October she gets into a car accident. Not her fault, and elderly man decided to pass by the left lane, completely totaling her car. Kristen can walk and talk but she has some neck, shoulder and head pain that cause her to be dizzy and faint. Doctors first say that it is whiplash but after a few weeks of it not going away, decide that this must be something more. However she needs an MRI and her insurance was making a deal over covering it, so for the time being no MRI. Kristen stops working. She has no car. My husband and I encourage her to get a lawyer and she said "her dad is on it"... She can't drive so for several months my life turns upside down. I cook, I clean, I become Kristen's chauffeur. She was particular about the hospitals so I would wind up driving her an hour or two away to see different specialist. My work hours dropped because my life revolved around being Kristen's nurse. She couldn't afford anything, even food so now not only no rent but we'd be paying for all her meals etc. as well. In that time span she also got a pet cat, which is is allergic to. (so it's not allowed in her room! Never mind my husband is also slightly allergic to it.) The cat isn't a horrible cat but it is still a kitten and gets into a lot of mischief; breaking husband's and mine belongings. Kristen apologizes but couldn't pay back.

Now... the thing is, Kristen is an only child who grew up upper middle class. The difference between her and I were she would own her own horses and have 7 dogs and prada shoes while I was sharing a bed with my younger sister at 17. So she has this sort of thing with money that she could almost always get what she wanted because she could always afford it. So from October - January; she kept thinking her issues were "temporary" and she'd able to work and back-pay us immediately. So while she couldn't give us rent or food money she would still go out and buy an entire 7 book hardcover collectors edition, and not just one, but 2 because "well, the other is so they won't get dirty." She would easily spend $200 at Lush because "her skin is sensitive, she has allergies and NEEEDS it."

I've hinted that perhaps it's time to move back in with her parents but she will lament and say how she's almost a 30 year old woman and can't go back to "being a kid". Which I understand but beggars can't exactly be choosers...

In February she FINALLY spoke with a lawyer. She says that "once the case is underway I'll be able to backpay you guys and more!" but who really knows? Her mother gave her her old car (which she doesn't like because it's pretty old and she wants a new Prius, with leather seats etc. etc.) she's angry that this old guy ruined her car and ruined her life.

Her doctors MIIIGGGGHHHHTTT okay for her to start working in March.... maybe.

Ugh, sorry this has been so long. But pretty much this all had me freaking out a few weeks ago. We were celebrating my husband's birthday and husband, as an early Valentine's Day gift- got us tickets for a trip to London. MIL commented "Oh Kristen is not coming? What will she do if you guys aren't taking care of her?" All of a sudden Kristen NEEDS to go. My husband is super chill and agrees, but I get a little bummed. Wasn't this for Valentine's?

Our hotel is in the center of London and Kristen can't afford that so she takes an air mattress to sleep in our room. She get's her dad to pay for her plane ticket as "an early birthday present." and arrangements are set. We give her our spare suitcase, help her pack and overall have a lovely trip. It wasn't the romantic getaway I imagined, but still very fun.

Then I get this message. Kristen loves this TV show and it might not get renewed for a second season. So she texted me this comment on the finale:

I just had a really depressing realization. I think part of the reason I cling so hard to Timeless and am so invested in it isn't just that it's a good show. That was the height of how awesome everything was for me before the accident. That was the last thing I did at con before leaving. Which (besides sleeping in on Monday and configuring my prints I bought) was the last thing I did before the accident. It was the last nice thing I ever had.

LAST. NICE. THING. I. EVVVVEEEERRRRR HAD?? WTF?

Not me taking care of your pet, cleaning up, cooking, letting you come on our London trip, all the driving I've done, Living for half a year RENT FREE. Clearly none of these are nice things.

What started as a great way to save money for a house has become me transforming into a full time nurse. Husband is all very chill about this because he's not the one feeling the full extent of it. He's not being Kristen's personal assistant. He's not canceling his work hours or fiddling around with lame hospital wifi to spend days making Kristen feel better. He's not working in the living room while her kitten knocks my cup of water all over my laptop, almost frying it.

Kristen is not a BAD person, and she is in a tough spot, but her parents are only 35 minutes away. She has mentioned many times that she feels terrible about the situation and wants to pay us back. I've heard her bawling on the phone to another friend that she feels like a leech. She recently started working at her dad's office as an accountant. Though it's only part time as she claims the pain is too much for her to be hunched over a desk the whole day and she hates the job, wanting to go back to film. However; the year and a half she's been here 1/3 of it has been rent free/ room and board covered. Even simple things like, for example, my car being in the shop so may I borrow hers? "I might need to work so, no, sorry!" * hours later after taking a bus and then transferring to a train* "... Oh I took a benedryl and fell asleep, guess you could've used it after all." She will occasionally pay for food; but those times are very few and far in between and don't really balance out. For example she'll pay $40 for my husband and with a surprise takeout meal but then she'll go to her friends birthday party and ask us to cover $80.

I tried to propose that it would be better for her if she was with her parents. Her dad and she could car pool to work and she'd be closer to a lot of her doctors! "But, maybe I'll get better soon."

Even if she DOES get better soon, knowing her history she will trip, or her chronic illness will flare up again, or SOMETHING. IF this was some random roomie from Craigslist I'd give them a 30 days notice and tell them to pack their bags. However; she's actually sick... but the freebie days are over. How can I tell her to leave without sounding like a cruel and horrible person?


tl;dr: Best friend moved in with husband and I, due to work reasons with the impression that she would move out in 6 months once her bf finishes his temporary job. Whoops! BF and BFF breakup so she stays. After a series of illnesses, accidents, etc. my life has become one of being BFF's personal assistant. She has been living rent free for half a year, but I've known her for so long and she IS sick; I don't want to just dump her in her time of need. At the same time I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. What do?



Submitted March 01, 2017 at 09:50AM by howtosaythislightly http://ift.tt/2lyTvnx

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