Hi, have been a longtime lurker and interested reader of this subreddit. I started drinking when I was 15 years old. My mother had breast and bone cancer, but I was not supposed to know. But I heard conversations, quiet crying, I sneaked around in my mom's drawers and found plastic breast to fill up her bra. My dad was working overseas in China. We were alone: mom, my younger sister and me. My parents both drank a fair bit. Drinking was normal (beer and wine, hey I'm from Belgium!). One day my mom was lying on the couch, I was downstairs in the kitchen, warming a spaghetti (my mom did not cook that often anymore because of pain). I heard my sister crying out loud 'brother come quickly, mom's acting weird, there something wrong!!!'. I felt, immediately, that life would never be the same again. I ran upstairs and saw my mom, rolling her eyes, making spastic movements. Then back to normal. She assured us everything was ok. Then again an attack. I called my grandparents, tried to calm my 4 years younger sister and at the same time sat on my mother and tried to hold her arms firmly, to stop the strange, spastic movements she made. I still see her eyes rolling. I still hear my sister crying. My granddad had told me over the phone to call an ambulance. Which I did immediately. A few moments later the ambulance drove into the street, I had asked not to use the alarm-noise, I remember that, so no-one would notice. But off course did came driving in our street using the alarm. They tied down my mom on a stretcher and took her to hospital. I remember her gazing at me. Granddad and grandma arrived. I had been in charge the whole time, and they wanted to turn me into a 15 year old again. Nobody told me I did the right thing. I remember trying to hold and hug her so firmly while I was sitting on top of her trying to stop the epileptic seizure. In our family, mostly everything was resolved with a hug. So a thought a hard hug would cure her. The tv was still on, I remember going downstairs to the kitchen again alone, my grandparents were talking to my sister, and seeing the burned spaghetti in the microwave. That night I drank a pint of 20 years old tawny port wine, which I had bought a few days earlier and sipped from a little every evening. A miracle! I was able to sleep and forget about it. My mom came back home, and suffered horribly for one year. The epilepsy was caused by her very thin skullbone, which had been affected by bone cancer. I heard my mother vomiting at night, horrible sounds, because of the chemo. I thought she would choke. I drank every night not to hear the sound of vomiting or later on the hissing sound of the oxygen machine. I kept going to school, started going out, drinking after school. I never really talked to mom on her sickbed, only the evening when we were announced that she would not make it, I remember standing around her bed with my sis and grandma. I held her hand, blocked my emotions and told she was the best mom I ever had (what a terrible absurd thing to say). I drank and slept. A few weeks later I went out on a sunny Wednesday afternoon with my highschool friends. We had a few beers in town. When I came back, my grandma opened the door and told me mom passed away. I was not allowed (or did not want) to see her. I took my bike to my other grandparents, where my dad (who had come home from work in Singapore) was waiting for me. He was calm, a glass of port or red wine in front of him. Smoking a cigarette. He hugged me, and said calmly: "how strong is the lonely cycler?". He poured me a glass of wine. I remember being calm all the time. Ten days later we were on the plane to Singapore for a long summer holiday. My dad had remarried a few years earlier (but he still took care of my mom, even sleeping in our house when he came home every 3 months for a week). I have been drinking ever since, and functioned 'normally'. I even managed to get my university degree in modern history. My dad died suddenly of a hearth attack ten years later, in 2005. He was fired two years earlier, suffered depression, drank a lot, took Xanax. By then I drank 18 beers and a bottle of white wine every night. I weighed 280 pounds. My then girlfriend (who is now my beloved wife) urged me to get into rehab. Which I did, I was in hospital for a month and sober for one year. Then I started drinking again. Tried moderation. I had a gastric bypass a year ago and lost 140 pounds. I run, I cycle. But I still drink. Sometimes a few weeks nothing, then heavily for a few days or weeks. Yesterday evening I drank two bottles of white wine. Fast. Gastric bypass has a strange effect on alcohol: it 'works' immediately, like someone who loves you and puts a warm, safe, reassuring blanket over you. My wife threatened to leave me three years ago, but she didn't. But I can see she is unhappy when I am in a drinking period. Our six year old daughter starts noticing too. When daddy has to lie down half of the day because he is 'tired' or she feels when she has to stay away from me when I'm irritated. I DON'T want this anymore. I can't make up my mind. One side of me wants to keep drinking, the other side wants to sport, enjoy books, nature, cycle, breathe fresh air. I'm scared to death, every evening (around the time my mom had her seizure) my body and mind goes still goes into alarm modus (I wanna scream, I need a drink). Every evening, while I am cooking I am crying and panicking on the inside. I tried AA, but no disrespect, I do not want to go into the program. I have a great therapist who I see weekly. But I want this no more. I am on the verge of a new job (have been without since a year). Tomorrow I turn 39 years old. That's the age my mom died. I'm starting a new life. Now, today. I'm scared. But everyone dies in the end. Today I will not drink. My first step was writing this down (crying) and becoming a member of this subreddit.
Submitted March 01, 2017 at 04:25AM by Achterliken78 http://ift.tt/2lTcLib
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