Shit. I can't even write this in my journal. As I type this on my keyboard I hold the vomit down. Hot spit. Now I'm sweating.
I need a cigarette before I am able to finish. Back in 5.
I have written over 300 pages in my journal in the last month, but every time I try to sit down and write about this, I can't do it. I have tried to bring it up in therapy, but each time I sit in front of another human being and the thought enters my mind, leading to my mouth to speak on it, I cry so hard you'd think I'd just received a call that my child or a parent has died.
Why is it not like this here, reddit?
My ten-hour day is almost over. I smoke one last cigarette before making the 30 minute drive through a long stretch of hills, trees and sunshine. I get home, change clothes, and plop down on the couch. Silence. My husband is at school, my child is at preschool. I love this. Silence. One of the best things in the world.
A few hours later, dinner is cooking, bath is going, v-tech toys are going crazy, and my husband's Bluetooth speaker is blaring Avenged Sevenfold. Sensory overload. I love it. Silence is nice, but I love the rift-raft the night routines bring. Baby goes to sleep. It's just me and my husband. We eat dinner and wind-down for the evening.
Here it goes.
Sometimes, he goes to bed before me- leaving me in the den alone. When he does this, I panic. Why? I love the silence, right? Yes, absolutely. Don't leave me. Please.
I do not and have not ever understood why I have this gut-wrenching feeling of panic when someone leaves me in a room alone. (crying as I type just thinking about it) When I enter a room alone, I'm fine. But, even with complete strangers- if they walk out of the room I need to follow them out. If I stay late at work, and I see each co-worker leave one by one, I NEED TO LEAVE TOO BECAUSE Y'ALL ARE NOT LEAVING ME HERE.
I remember being two years old, in the grocery store with my father. He would leave me in the cart and step an aisle over to grab something he forgot, and I would look up and realize he was gone and freak out. If you were another customer in the same grocery store you would have thought my dad left me in that grocery store that day. He was only a few steps over.
Staying with friends at 10-11 years old. I knew I wanted to stay with them. We always had fun. When it was time to go to sleep, I had to make sure I fell asleep before anyone else in the room sleeping over; otherwise I would literally call my mom to come get me at 3AM because I would scream and cry so loud I'd wake my friends and their parents up. Even now, if my husband falls asleep before me, I go ahead and do the best I can to prepare for the panic that is about to take over my body.
I asked my mom and my dad if I was ever abandoned as a child; both said no. Both of them were active in my life and we still have healthy relationships to this day (they divorced when I was two, but not traumatizing for me) I have no idea where this comes from, or why. I have never been able to tell anyone this, or even write it out. It's taken me 4 hours to get this far.
If you've read this shit, thank you for listening because I carry this stupid bullshit with me every day. And I look like a 24 year old psycho that follows people around and no one knows why. I wish I could just tell people about this, but it's too embarrassing.
Thanks reddit.
Submitted February 28, 2017 at 04:15PM by crabbycleo http://ift.tt/2lmdu7Y
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