I'm so lonely.
I'm 21 years old. I've worked my way out of shyness over the course of my life for the sake of confidence and social success but, I'm sorry to say, it's got me nowhere. Absolutely nowhere.
I've tried reaching out to people, I really have. I know what people want; I know how to make them laugh, I know how to listen and listen well, I know how to be an outwardly friendly and warm person. But with that being said, I'm still alone. There's still nobody out there that actually gives a fuck, despite my efforts. There's still no-one that cares.
A lot of people tell me, "oh, look for happiness within yourself! That's where it starts, it starts with you!" Well jeez, thanks. I had no idea. Yeah, I'll try that.
Except... no, I don't hate myself. I actually think I'm quite a nice person. My self-esteem isn't disingenuous. I have a lot of things that I'm passionate about and I focus on what's important for me. I do it all for myself - like going to the gym and keeping in shape, for example. I have a laundry list of personal achievements and hobbies, and I really did once make the effort. Yeah, that feels good and everything, but these passions only actually offer a state of contentment beyond the initial good feeling. I get bored of my hobbies eventually, and by that point, the passion's gone, and they don't even provide contentment anymore. Happiness comes from within? Bullshit, does it. Where is it? I don't see it at all.
Even when people saw the passion I once had for things, they still didn't want to know me. Nobody wants to know me. I don't have a sense of humour anymore. I can't hold a conversation anymore. I have nothing to talk about and nothing to offer. I can't even rely on whatever interests I have, anymore, because they don't make me feel anything. What can I do? Go out and socialise and try to have a little faith in humanity? I'll bite, I'm desperate.
But of course, it doesn't help. If anything, it makes it worse. it makes me more and more conscious of how much of a freak I am. It makes me realise more and more that people don't give a shit, and that I don't have anything to talk about anymore.
So there're two problems here, as far as I see it. The first being, I've lost my personality. It's eroded away over the years, after a lifetime of trying to carve a social niche out for myself; after a lifetime of being myself, and constantly being rejected by everyone. It doesn't matter if I do or don't have interests, I still have a void in my chest.
The second problem is that... people don't seem to give a fuck. Whether I reach out in real life or online, all the shallow relationships I forge very quickly fizzle out. People just stop bothering with me and I'm left to wonder why; are people really that cold? Maybe it's because they have their own problems? Or again, is it because I'm just a plain person? In all three cases, I'm still abandoned and alone.
What does it take to not be alone? Where are the caring, warm-hearted people out there? I'm really honestly starting to believe that they simply do not exist. They're a rare breed of humans that very rarely exist in reality, and instead they choose to lurk in forever unreachable dreams.
Would it really hurt someone, anyone, to reach out and be there? I do it all the time and it's always me that's left out in the cold. Maybe that's why people don't reach out, then? They're scared of making an ass out of themselves? I don't know. I'm just so fucking alone. And it's probably not going to change. I'm pretty set on going out clubbing tonight, seeing all the blank, inebriated faces all rubbing up against each other in their despair. That's all I am now, that's where I belong and that's what I deserve. The world doesn't want me. No-one wants me. I want me, but that's irrelevant when everything else is just tipped against you all the time.
If this wasn't enough I have a lifetime of shitty memories to contend with; yet more bullshit that's dragging my faith in humanity down even further, below zero and into the negatives. I've been cheated on, touched, abused in every way you can think of, bullied, beat up... everything, really. All by people that supposedly "love" me. What good's any of that? Is that really how people care? By cheating, lying, only ever thinking of themselves? I guess so, right? It's the only explanation I can think of. Warmth doesn't exist. Maybe I've been barking up the wrong tree the whole time. Maybe I'm wrong to even have a sliver or faith in people. Maybe people are even uglier than I thought. Huh.
And here I am, going to East Asia, alone. Here I am, making a huge effort to go to the gym and to keep in good shape. Here I am, cooking for myself, daily, wonderful food. Here I am, with my origami, making things that look impossible Here I am, writing thousands and thousands of words in my spare time, making little worlds in hopes of finishing a novel. Here I am, with my collection of Youtubers and streams that I've followed for many years. It all puts a fragile smile on my face, I guess. Here I am, constantly staring at my phone, waiting for someone to say hi.
I'll be waiting forever.
Rip my brittle fibres in two, someone
Submitted February 01, 2017 at 01:59PM by SenorSpook http://ift.tt/2khH6ED
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