I'm having a hard time looking for work again. I wrote an upbeat post a few days ago about how I applied to a job in person for the first time ever (at a local fast food place). I tried going in person yesterday to apply to another job, but I couldn't bring myself to get out of my car when I got to the parking lot like a couple weeks ago. It's for a grocery store, so I keep imagining people stopping me constantly while I'm trying to do a task like stock shelves, distracting me attacking me, leaving me unable to do my task in an appropriate amount of time. But that word keeps coming up - attacked. It's so ridiculous isn't it, to feel that people stopping to ask you a question are "attacking" you. I guess at a grocery store I can't anticipate which direction, when, where they are coming from. At least at say a coffee shop, people stand in line, come up to the counter. There's a defined place where they'll be, where I can expect them to be instead of being jumped on out of nowhere. God this is so stupid, I'm talking about it like it's a fucking war and it's just social interactions. But this is how my mind reacts and it's so frustrating. I've generally avoided social jobs up to this point in my life, so it's been all good, but now that I'm trying to go for a retail job, it's really kicking up these issues.
I got so much done yesterday (called a few places, applied for a job online, wrote a paragraph of a scholarship essay I'm working on, listed some old video games on Amazon for sale, did an errand, ate really healthy cooking lunch and dinner, had fun chatting with my friends online) and felt great, now today I don't feel like doing anything. Seeing my psychologist this afternoon for our weekly appointment so that's good. I'm just surprised at the mood swing from yesterday to today.
I've been trying to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but it's like none of them want to see me. They all see too busy to take new patients, answer their phones, or return my voicemails. Very frustrated with that because I wanted to get a review of my medication.
I just feel like I'm wasting my time. Nothing feels worthwhile in my life until I go to grad school. My current career is so hopeless that I'm resorting to applying to fast food jobs, here I have nearly a 4.0 in a difficult undergraduate subject. I really shouldn't be letting my pride get in the way though, because It'd be nice to earn as much money as I can until I start my Master's regardless if I feel I could do better than that kind of work. I'm worried at this point, since I'll only be able to work for 5-6 months, that no one will hire me when I tell them I'm leaving for my Master's. I really don't like the idea of lying to them to get the job, but I may have to to get one. I thought retail and fast food places would be a good fit given the limited time frame since they are known for high turnover rate, but I'm having a hell of a time trying to apply in person. I'm mostly given up on applying to jobs in my field because they're all for long term full time positions, and I'd feel guilty lying to them to take a job I'd be leaving way earlier than they'd want.
I should probably keep my long term objective in site, which is graduate school, and be grateful that I have enough money to survive until then and enough money to not have to take out loans for my Master's regardless of whether or not I get funding. But those really great things never seem to be able to pierce through the anxiety and depression when they ramp up.
I just feel like crying for no discernible reason. I should feel so happy at my current situation but I'm just not, I'm just waiting for things to begin in 6 months. There's too many conflicting thoughts in my head and it's somewhat paralyzing.
Submitted January 24, 2017 at 12:24PM by Bubblez88 http://ift.tt/2jNO18e
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