In the past I've been diagnosed with chronic moderate to severe depression which was believed to be linked to burn out/ anxiety. I've hit a new rock bottom, but no one will take me seriously and I feel so guilty/ stressed/ ashamed so I hide my symptoms or cover them up as best I can and isolate myself from the world.
In the past six months I've moved twice and continents once, been hospitalized 3 times for physical health issues that are beyond my control, dropped out of graduate school with only a month left, ended a 5 year relationship, been sexually assaulted, gone broke, moved back in with my parents and dealt with a lot of family shit including playing nursemaid for two hospitalized grandparents and trying to solve legal troubles for my imprisoned overseas sibling all while my migraines have gotten completely out of control and my attempts to control them as per doctors orders resulted in stomach ulcers, coughing up blood and being taken off all pain meds that aren't injections, hence my new normal is having 2-3 12-56 hour migraine benders a week.
I like to think I'm a pretty resilient person but I'm rather overloaded at the moment and most days getting out of bed before 10 and functioning enough to maintain basic hygiene and nutrition and maybe accomplish a few basic tasks (laundry, running an errand, cooking dinner for the family) completely wipes me out. I'm in constant pain and feel so worthless because I'm unemployed and didn't finish my degree, but am in no place to find work due to my migraines that I just feel utterly hopeless. I used to value myself on my drive and intelligence but the migraines are so constant that they're causing short term memory loss and severe disorientation so I get lost walking the dog in my hometown. I don't know how to break the cycle and I just feel like such a burden on my family.
Finally, I'm a doer and have always had blue times when I'm not active or working with something I find to be meaningful or helpful in some way. I'm not religious but I do feel like I have a passion or calling in life. Nature has always been my happy place and since I first started monitoring and cleaning up the stream behind my childhood home when I was 5 I've been hooked. Weather it was designing and making elephant inspired crafts to fundraise for WWF when I was 7, starting an environmental club and recycling program at my middle school, co-founding an environmental education non-profit when I was 16 or designing and building full scale treatment wetlands and a new minor in sustainability at my undergrad my drive has allowed me to push through spine damage, temporary blindness for 3 months, chronic pain and a host of other issues in the past. So it is incredibly frustrating to me that I have failed now when I was so close to the finish line academically and now just feel like my oxygen has been cut off as I've worked outside my field to make my ex relationship work for three years and this masters was my shred of sanity in a strange land and last bid to rejoin my field, but now that I've failed I just feel so hollow, utterly defeated and betrayed by my body for not being able to make the final push that I've worked for for so long.
I just want to shut my eyes and wake up in the future where it's all sorted and the bills for an education I'm not putting to use aren't piling up as I struggle to physically and mentally get to a place where I am well enough to potentially finish my degree remotely and definitely apply for work. So I sleep to escape the pain and reality I am completely overwhelmed by. How do I fix this, where do I start? How can I unscramble my brain and work through or cope with the pain?
Current treatment: I have tried going to a talk therapist but we just don't click at all and the time is too short because by the time I unscramble my brain enough and she's asked all the questions she needs to to placate my insurance company we have 10-15 minutes once a week tops which really isn't helpful. Also, for the past three months I've seen doctor after doctor for the physical stuff but they don't seem to know how to fix that either so really I'm here for mental help and coping strategies as pain may be my new normal.
Thank you in advance for any and all ideas. I'm truly at my wits end.
Submitted February 01, 2017 at 11:31AM by newoverblue http://ift.tt/2jY8NUf
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