Feeling judged and unappreciated

How do you guys cope with feeling judged in your own home?

For background, SO and I have been married for 2 years. He has 50/50 of his two children, SS8 and SD13. SO and I are both in our 30s From reading this sub I've determined that I'm quite fortunate that my circumstances are comparatively low conflict. The kids are decent, SO is mostly supportive, if a bit clueless, and although BM doesn't like me she and I are cordial and pretend we don't despise each other.

My issue is that I feel that my every action is being judged by the kids and BM. BM has a history of critiquing practically everything about me to my SO, and presumably to the kids too. She didn't approve of the division of labor in our home, felt it was unfair to my SO and was telling him he "could do better" Ugh. That went on for about six months, but thankfully she's stopped. Her opinions seem to have influenced the children though.

From the beginning I was clear with my SO that I wasn't there to be the maid or nanny. In the first year I drastically cut back on the amount of cooking and cleaning I was doing because I was doing the lion's share in addition to working full time and making a larger financial contribution and getting little to no acknowledgement or appreciation. By no means do I leave all of their care to him, I help out quite a bit in my opinion and my income has definitely improved their standard of living. The kids however seem to think that because I'm the woman I should be doing the bulk of household chores and make occasional vague, judgmental comments. That, combined with BM's history of essentially calling me lazy makes me feel like I'm under a microscope and everything I do, or don't do, in my own home is judged.

I hate feeling that I can't just relax and be myself in my home. Even though I love my husband very much and our relationship is quite strong. I am really missing living on my own. I hate the constant pressure to be better or do more. I miss my home being my sanctuary. I miss being able to just relax and be myself. I miss my house being clean (they are slobs). More and more I find myself dreaming of being on my own. As wonderful as DH is, I don't feel that he appreciated all of my contributions and to be honest, as terrible as it sounds, I feel like I put more into the relationship than I get out of it. I help him raise his kids and provide physical and financial support but I don't feel appreciated. My life is much more difficult than when I was single.

I know the obvious answer is to stop caring what the kids and BM think, but it's not as easy as just flipping a switch. I know I'm not alone in this problem. What do you do to deal with it?

Submitted March 08, 2017 at 11:18PM by SmamaBear http://ift.tt/2mlcJ19