Currently I am married(2 years), but I am not happy, and am thinking of divorce, but I need to know if I am just being delusional or if I should continue with my feelings and proceed to the process. I know that I fell in love with my significant other(ref=S.O.) hence why we got married, she was different from others and it was enticing, but I have come to a realization I have fallen out of love and want a marriage to be a certain way. We have been going to marriage counseling for a few months and have both been seeing separate counselors to maybe help each other. Things started to go down hill relatively quickly starting from the engagement, but we both said, "eh probably just because its a huge life changing event" Below is a break down of the "personal problems", my realizations of what I want and whether or not she can give me that(told her the needs and she said can or cannot)
Issues
Family and friends are not too fond of my wife- although I know their opinions should not matter as much as my own, it has caused issues in my relationships with family and friends(people are less inclined to want to do things when she is present. They think she is mean)
We do not really have any of the same interests besides going out to eat- we do not really have the same taste in food, movies, recreations, and social events. However we said we are going to try to find hobbies for us together. We have different views on politics and financial goals. I want to save money for retirement, but still go and pursue hobbies and travel, she just wants to invest, save, and live minimally so we can give back to our hypothetical children.
We have different family values- she believes me and her are only ones who matter and that our blood family is now the extension. I believe the opposite(blood family primary, me and her as a family is an extension) She is controlling and wants things to only go her way preferably.
Realizations
the big number one, that I have now recognized was, I want a traditional style marriage where I am majority head of household. I want her to want to do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, and caring for the pets while I do the automotive work, house maintenance, pay the bills and provide support in her duties as necessary(i.e. cook when she cant, help clean on weekends, grab groceries if she cant etc.) I also want for us to discuss important matters but I be final decision maker and she trust my decisions(i.e. no major push if it is truly beneficial for us as a couple)
I also realized I want someone who wants to be engaged in some of my hobbies and interests.(i.e. want to hangout with me while we go fishing, want to hangout with me when a carshow is in town, want to go watch movies with me)
I came to the realization I want someone who shares majority of the similar views as me whether its life views, political views, etc.
what can she give me
She said she can not give me a traditional style marriage with assumed gender roles(we both come from that same style background). She said she may be willing to cook but since she is not done with grad school and is working as well as I, she is too busy.
She says she will be happy to try new hobbies and see if we can find one, but primarily would rather us just do our own things and keep the majority of it separate.
She told me that we pretty much share similar views, except on marriage, politics, finances(to an extent), adoption, and gender roles.
What I have concluded and need help on
I have come to the conclusion I screwed up. I tried to overlook the things we were not compatible on(i.e. Hobbies, tv/movies, gender roles and a few others). I told myself, we cant get everything we want out of someone as that is not rational. I realized the things I mentioned above are super important to me. I feel that its what I want, but I feel guilty for not being progressive. I also realized that I am terrified to do any major commitment with her like purchasing a car or a large home or have children as I am not happy and dont want to get stuck in any of those things.
Questions
Are the feelings for wanting to get out of the relationship based on the above content reasonable or do I just have this skewed outlook on relationships?
I currently am staying because I feel guilty and obligated as I made a vow to stay for better or worse. Am I wasting her time and my time staying out of obligation?
Based on seeing and talking with others who are married it seems most married couples do stuff together and the woman typically does what the guy wants out of love to please him. Is it wrong to want that?
Will I eventually just become use to it if I stay in relationship and just tell myself this is what you signed up for deal with it?
tl;dr: Been married for two years, wife and I are very different people but thought it wouldnt make a difference because we had some similarities. I myself feel that I messed up as I chose to overlook my embedded views on marriage because it wasnt as progressive as it probably should be. However I am now realizing that what we have now has caused me to fall out of love and yearn for the ideas I originally had. I want to leave but feel the need to stay out of obligation as marriage is a commitment. I want bits and pieces of traditional gender roles and traditional marriage but she says she will not and can not give me that. Do I need to just suck it up and keep griding away with counseling hoping my mindset will change? Is my view on marriage just way too delusional?
Submitted March 08, 2017 at 05:07PM by pascajames http://ift.tt/2lF8qRh
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