Today I was sitting with my parents cause they force me everyday to sit with them at least an hour. We were talking and the topic came to writing wills.
Now, I went through some really hard times during university. I was raised in a very religious muslim house and wore hijab since I was 14. Wanted to take it off a year later but my parents got so angry at me, took my phone away and got more controlling. After that, I was scared to look less religious. During university, I was living away from my family and they only let me live with some religious families' daughters whose parents they knew. But still, I had free access to internet and finally I started reading about different sources on religion and other things. I discovered I was a lesbian (I didn't even know the word, but I knew attraction. I was so scared of this and tortured myself emotionally a lot about this) and I started realizing there were real issues in islam. For 4 years, I fought and tried to believe, questioned everything and basically everything I believed from the bottom of my heart crumbled down around me. I'm an atheist now.
Also, I had a very abusive and controlling bf who tried to rape me once and forced me into things I didn't wanna do several times. He would threaten me with killing himself if I left him. I forced myself to stay with him and tried to marry him to stop "the gay" in me.
And I have an Nmother and a very controlling father. He's been controlling everything I do from how much I eat, when I sleep, what I wear to who I talk with and how much time I spend with my friends. They declared me asocial since I avoid talking to them and tried to take me to a doctor for this, saying I have issues and this is for my own good. I have friends, two very close friends I share everything with and other less close but nice friendships.
To give an example of my mother's behaviour, right after I graduated, my father told me to get a job and leave. Basically I got no holiday after university and less than a month later I started working in a company I worked for sometimes during uni. I moved to another city and since I was a freshly graduated young lady, I was paid very little. I knew the job, I spent my summers there and knew everything I'd need to do but still, it was the same. It was impossible to rent a place with that money in a big city like that so I started living with friends. My mother called right after my first day at work and demanded me to rent a place and she said she was gonna come and stay with me, for me, but she wasn't gonna pay for anything cause she needed that money to buy another house and I was gonna look after her. I said it's impossible and she got angry at me, so for the first time in my life, I started crying while on the phone with her. Normally I wait until I hang up cause she belittles me for crying. She didn't say anything this time, just hung up.
Later that year, it became clear that I couldn't keep on like that cause my health was deteriorating because of how busy I was. I was spending all my awake hours working and even that wasn't enough. My two friends decided to get married and left so I wasn't able to afford living there anymore. I had to go back home.
I tried to confront my mother before going back. Actually she was calling me everday to tell me to come back home and stop running away from them. I said she's so self centered, thinks only of herself (I said this as nicely as possible) and she got so angry with me, started yelling and told me I would talk about her when we were in my aunt's house (which means I must be 18, the most, this talk happens when I was 23) and my aunt told her privately to stop treating me like that and she got so embarrassed. So she yelled at me and blamed me with telling about the things she does to my aunt which I didn't do intentionally.
So that was my mom, dad, ex-bf and my own other demons, being gay and an atheist in a muslim country and a strict muslim family. They would either kill me or kick me out if I came out as an atheist, probably kill me. I'm %100 serious. I have to dress and act like a muslim for now.
So all of these issues made me sadder and sadder and that ended up with me committing suicide after that phone talk with my mom. I had a roommate that came home early so nothing happened and I did my best to hide this and everything from my parents since they freak out over everything, like that time I was in the shower for almost an hour, they called me more than 20 times and were on their way to their car to come where I lived cause I didn't answer (which obviously means I'm dead, no other explanations).
So tonight, my mom was talking about writing our wills and I said I did write a couple when I was suicidal. I laughed this off and changed the subject but she started going on about her own hardships in life and said "we're great parents, we did everything you wanted, we didn't beat you (lie), you have no problems. Today's kids are like this, their lives are so easy, they get bored and get suicidal because of that..." My dad kept saying similar things and I got angry naturally. I got up and left the room.
They came after me. I said I didn't wanna talk cause really, they were there to feel better about themselves, they always do that and act like everything is solved.
So my mom came in apologizing, then started saying she didn't do or say anything wrong but since I got angry, she is apologizing now. My dad insisted that they didn't belittle me, if I had issues I thought were important, then they're sorry but they don't think I do and they didn't belittle me, just stated a fact. Then went on about being very open minded and a wonderful father and how ungrateful I was even though he always respected my opinions (he would tell me I have a small brain, I can't understand what is important for myself when I was younger. To this day, he orders me to do even very small, normal house work and cooking I already do everyday and feels accomplished for saying it. As if I'm stupid.)
In the end, they said I was in the wrong for making a big deal out of this, I didn't understand them and I was ungrateful, and they left.
So guys, since they insisted so much, I'm asking you, were they belittling me?
I'm sorry for the wall of text.
Edit: I forgot to add, I was also bullied for being religious by my atheist classmates. I know, ironic. That was another reason they told me I was asocial and it added to my issues.
Submitted March 08, 2017 at 01:30PM by sawarineko-chan http://ift.tt/2lZpA7j
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