As someone who has studied psychology and sociology, I really try not to "diagnose" or "psychoanalyze" my family members and friends -- but as many know, it can be difficult not to. And, as a person with anxiety, it is often the case that I am always being too critical of myself... so for a long time I just blamed myself for my issues with my parents, instead of realizing the influences present in my life. As I write this... I'm trying to convince myself that talking about myself/my life/my experiences doesn't make me a narcissist... Man, my parents did a number on me...
We lived overseas for a few years, and my parents were largely absent during that entire time. My sister and I were only in elementary & middle school, but we were often cooking for ourselves & entertaining ourselves while our parents were out doing whatever. I thought this was completely normal at the time, and have only recently realized how odd it was that my parents were never around.
When we moved back to the states, my dad continued to travel. During this time (and forevermore), my mother used me as a weapon against my dad. She let me do stuff she knew he wouldn't like (i.e. gave my friends and me alcohol, let me get a piercing without his knowledge, let my SO at the time stay over even though we were young) so that I would like her better than him (I guess?). She's also told me inappropriate stories of him cheating on her with our nanny [true] while she wait at home & never cheated on him [not true]. I hated my dad for a long time because of the evil way she portrayed him to me.
My mother has always lived to her own benefit, but I haven't been able to see clearly until recently. One thing to know about my mom is that she as an autoimmune disease which causes her everyday life to be difficult. Because she has this disease, lives alone, and I live far away, I know I should be more diligent about calling/keeping in contact, but I have always had a hard time doing this with her.
I was recently grappling with this issue of not wanting to call & talk to my mom, and I think it's because of how these calls always seem to go. She'll call at 9 or 10 in the evening, more often than not intoxicated...but, these calls start out okay. Even though I've been up since 5 am and probably pretty tired from my day, I am always ready for her to talk for two hours while I get maybe two words in per hour. That's fine, she has a lot to say, and I'm a good listener. When the alcohol has fully removed her inhibitions, she'll start talking [shit] about my dad, and how much she still loves him even though they've been divorced for over ten years. She says that he'd still come back to her [lies], even though he's remarried and just had a kid, and that he's told her this recently [lies]. She says that they never should have gotten divorced... blah blah blah. Usually at this point, as calmly as I can, I tell her that I'd rather not talk about my dad with her and that I'd like to change the subject. Sometimes she gets mad and eventually huffs and hangs up after a sour goodbye. Or, she starts crying and becomes difficult to console, and hangs up mid-sob. Her most recent response to my plea for a subject change was "I live alone and I am lonely, and you have to be there because you're my kid"... I told her I am not alone responsible for her (un)happiness and it's unfair for her to expect me to solve her problems/be her therapist. She didn't like that, & we haven't talked on the phone since.
I have a lot more I could say about my mom, but I'm getting emotionally exhausted typing this all out.
My relationship with my dad has gotten better in the past few years, but it's still really strained. His narcissism caused him to basically abandon me (or do I not believe the line my mom gave me about him telling her that "I'm too old to need my dad"?). He's remarried with a brand new kid to screw up, and lives very far away. When he and his young wife found out about they were pregnant, he wrote my sister and me a letter about why they were trying to start a family & how (basically) he didn't get the chance to have the family he's always wanted when he was with my mom, that he hopes we understand, and some other stuff I'm blocking out (oh that we can be "as involved as we want to be). It was a hard letter to read, to say the least.
I always figured that I had fairly normal upbringing (whatever that is), but more and more I realize how fucked up I am from all those years of being caught between my parents. I'm not really sure what kind of advice I even need, but I figured this was the place to share my story. I feel better just typing it out, but having soo much anxiety about posting. Sorry for the long post (always apologizing) & thank you for reading. I hope you have a lovely day.
Submitted March 08, 2017 at 07:05PM by TheCrochetingYogi http://ift.tt/2m0zVQr
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