I hate myself. And I have spent the last several years making my spouse hate me too. I don't care if it is only me suffering, but now I know I've been dragging him through the mud as well. I do dumb things all the time. I wish I could explain my thinking. Sometimes it makes sense to me in the moment, sometimes even I know what I'm doing is wrong/hurtful and just can't stop myself. This morning is the final stupid act for me. I wanted to make my husband breakfast and I saw one of the eggs was already cracked in the container, and then I used it anyway. They didn't turn out that great (the stove burner is a bit over-excitable), and then when I served them he asked if I used the bad egg. I said yes. He's spent the last two hours looking angrily at me. I cried as I did the dishes, then in the shower, now while typing this. Would it have been so hard toss them out and start over? What would that have taken - two extra minutes and a quick rinse of the pan? Why the hell didn't I just do that like a normal person??
This isn't the first time I've done things like this to him either. I'm clumsy, I made stupid comments, I dwell on the negative, I worry about everything (even when I create some of the situations I then need to worry about). I think I'm trying to actively poison my life. I never could believe that he loved me - he is better than I am at everything (humor, cooking, better-looking, getting through the day without fucking up like I do, being logical, listening, empathizing). I feel so inferior all the time and when I do things like this it makes it worse. I understand I'm the one causing the problems in the relationship. We've been together for 8 years and it's always me that messes up, right from the beginning. I feel like I tricked him into our marriage somehow.
Only one other person besides him knows I'm depressed and this way. I'm doing on-line therapy but my therapist is sick this week and off next week and then I'll have two weeks without reliable internet, so I put that account on hold for a month. I don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn.
I can apologize for my behavior, but that doesn't change that I do it.
Maybe I can be better in the new year, but at this moment I just wish I could vanish. I've let my SO down so many times. I feel like I know he will leave me and that I deserve it. I feel like I only deserve pain, each and every day.
Just one day I want to wake up content and manage to stay that way long enough to make his mood better.
I wish I could take the last three hours of my life back, and then a large part of the last 8 years and erase all the bad memories and days I spent angry and depressed and start over.
I wish I could be better.
Submitted December 31, 2016 at 09:53AM by howcanigetittostop http://ift.tt/2iojIUV
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