I apologize for what I'm sure is going to be the ridiculous length of this post, but would very much appreciate advice and an outside perspective.
I've been married to a very kind man for ~10 years. The situation with his mother has been difficult, to put it mildly, for about ten years.
The first time I remember there being an issue was when DH and I (then dating a few months) went out of town for the weekend to meet my parents. His parents were having a get-together the same weekend, and MIL was furious that he wasn't attending the party (we had had these plans for a few weeks by the time he knew about it). She told him this was the last time he would choose me over her.
By the time we got married, things had devolved to the point (and I'm not even quite sure how they devolved, in retrospect, nothing ever seemed to set off the maliciousness, it seemed to be self-perpetuating) where MIL said to me at the reception, "My favorite part of the ceremony was when the priest said you were married, because then I knew nothing I could do mattered."
To further complicate the issue, my BIL lived with us when we first moved in together. I know that it's difficult to live with a couple, and I'm sure he had his own frustrations, but he also had an egregious lack of boundaries. More than once, I caught him going through the hamper in my bedroom looking for something he thought might have gotten mixed in with DH's clothes. Once he walked into the bathroom while I was using it because I wasn't speaking clearly enough through the door (I was telling him I'd be out in a minute). After I snapped at him to get out, he called his mother and told him that I yelled at him because I was uptight. I got a lecture.
MIL is cruel and belittling and manipulative.
On to the really weird shit. I am one of those obnoxious people with food allergies. It sucks for me. It sucks for people who feel they have to cook for me. It's only good news for my allergist. MIL believes that allergies are all in people's heads. The first time I ended up with hives, I chalked it up to an accident. The tenth time I ended up with hives, I started to get concerned, and started to listen to her views on the whole thing. Sure, she would sit everyone down and list off the things I couldn't eat, and explain what she put in the food instead, but she also would say that she wished I would listen to the shaman of where ever who teaches that food allergies are just a misalignment of chakras. The kindest thing I can come up with is that she believes that she will "cure" me of my food allergies given enough exposure. None of my allergies are life-threatening, but I ended up covered in hives with my mouth full of blisters every time I ate there. I would take Benadryl and try to cope beforehand, but I was usually sick for a few days afterward.
If you're thinking I'm an idiot and it's crazy that I kept going back, I'm not arguing. It's nuts. I guess I just kept giving the benefit of the doubt that nobody would actually try to poison me. In any case, I stopped eating there a few years ago. If pressed, I would say I wasn't feeling well or wasn't hungry. I was always cordial and appreciative, I just didn't eat.
About two years ago, MIL got drunk, yelled at me and threw a glass of gin at me. Other than a family wedding I wasn't willing to skip, that was the last time I was at her home (and she was truly awful to me that day). On holidays, my husband I have been largely splitting up. I didn't want to ask him not to go to his family's, but I had spent too many years being treated unkindly to be willing to subject myself to it any more. I actually thought everyone would pretend it wasn't happening, and it would make everyone happier.
Last year, MIL complained about it. This year, she has thrown a bloody fit. In addition to yelling when he was there, she's called daily and really blew up at him today. After an hour of him explaining my POV and telling her she was more or less reaping what she sowed, she told him that she wants us to be closer, and wants him to tell me she's sorry and ask what she can possibly do to fix the problem. Granted, she argued with every point he made, which takes a bit of the good will out of the apology. She complained that I have been distant and cold to her, and said it's not her fault she can't control her temper when I "push her buttons" by being cold.
If anyone is still with me, here's the actual issue. I try very hard to be forgiving. I try to let things go. I just don't know what to say to this. I don't know how you rebuild a relationship that was never there, or at least never positive. I am not comfortable with the idea of letting myself in for the frustration and embarrassment of being treated poorly, and I don't think I will ever reach a point where I'll be willing to eat her cooking.
I just want to shout, "You got what you wanted! Take the win!" This feels manipulative. I adore my husband, and I am not trying to complicate his life. I want him to be happy, and I don't want the holidays to be stressful for him. I am obviously not good at setting reasonable boundaries, and would appreciate advice.
I just don't know what to say to this. tl;dr: My MIL is awful to me and slips allergens into my food. She wants to "make it up to me." What is an appropriate boundary?
Submitted December 28, 2016 at 10:51PM by Koalabella http://ift.tt/2hqtJyP
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