Hi RBN, long time no speak. this is a bit of a long story to how it got to this so here goes:
this all started at a christmas party last December. my SO (Ash) and I both didn't want to go but had an obligation to attend because we hadn't seen my family in a month. we went to the party and it was actually pleasant. my parents, who can be difficult to deal with, were being nice and welcoming and we were enjoying ourselves. My grandmother (who is 90) was in the kitchen cooking for most of the night so we didnt see her at all till it was time for us to leave. I went to say goodbye with Ash and she looks at me and says "Do me a favor, lose all of this weight"
I saw red and stormed out of the party without another word and have not spoken to her since. she has left me several voicemails expressing how sorry her words made me feel (which is definitely not an apology in my book) and I've been quite happy since then not speaking to her.
the even odder thing that has occurred is that my parents have taken my side for once and no one denies that I am right and she is in the wrong. however, that doesn't stop them from chiding me that I should live with a policy of forgive and forget or that she has promised to never insult me again.
while it seems vindictive, I have been down this road time and again with my grandmother over the past 20 years. she has constantly needled my appearance (which I admit I am overweight but not morbidly so) while also forcing tons of sweets and high caloric food on me. then when I finally cannot take it anymore and either go LC or NC from her, she gives one of these phony apologies and promises to never do this again until she steps the line again and hurts me.
what is worse is she treats Ash with very little respect and insults her weight too. after she did that the first time I went hardline NC till Ash saw what it was doing to me to be wracked with guilt about cutting off a person and got me to forgive my grandmother for her behavior, so I did but I made a promise that if she stepped the line again it would be permanent NC from then on.
so fast forward to this morning, I get in this [text conversation with my brother](imgur.com/a/GCQbh) where he claims that Grandma is dying and I need to forgive her. I rebuff him and he calls me to tell me that I just need to laugh off 20 years of insults and taunting, that this is just what families do and I need to remember the good times. he basically screamed at me that I was going to fuck myself up when she dies and I haven't settled this. I countered with the fact that I had warned her about this the last time I forgave her and that she was just using him to get to me and that she didn't respect me, Ash, or anyone (including him and his wife (I have so much proof of this it's insane)).
I hung up on him but I've been talking to Ash all morning about this and her biggest concern is that if and when she dies I will be wracked with guilt the rest of my life.
while I have, through therapy, come to terms that the good person who was once my grandma is dead due to my grandmother's decent into senility, I feel like this is a distinct possibility and I want to make sure I am making the right choice here.
I feel like there are two options presented to me, neither are good but both have their upsides.
If I continue to stand my ground on this I don't expose myself to being hurt again, and it sends a message to my NFamily that I am not one to be messed with or I would cut them out like I have to my Grandma. The downside of this is obviously the potential guilt.
If I forgive her I might be able to avoid that guilt but she then technically wins, I lose my credibility if any other member of my family oversteps with Ash and I, and I open myself up to more torment from a woman who is unhinged.
so there is the problem, what should I do here?
TL;DR: Grandma insulted my SO and my appearance at a holiday party and we went no contact. now my brother calls me on her behalf and tells me I need to forgive her because she is dying
Submitted February 28, 2017 at 11:36AM by Mycotoxicjoy http://ift.tt/2lSVhkr
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