Ever since I was about 8, I have noticed my dad exploding with anger at the smallest problems. For example, I first noticed it when I was 8 because he would take me fishing, surfing or cycling and it would end with him calling me names such as retard, idiot, moron etc and not in a joking way. He took me mountain biking once when the bike I had was a chopper styled ones which can barely even move on a straight road. This continued until he stopped taking me out for things like that so I thought I was the problem.
However, his fits of anger kept going at the smallest things such as eating the rest of the corn chips or even mentioning politics that he doesn't agree with. Most of this included him gaslighting me into believing I don't know how reality works. This went on at the same rate of once a month or so until I turned 16, which is when I noticed that it probably wasn't normal. One occurrence of this was when I was trying to buy a pair of sunglasses, but needed to use his paypal as where I'm from you need to be over 18. This for whatever reason ended in him exploding in rage again, because he couldn't remember his password. He left the room, and grabbed me by the throat when he came back.
Things like this have happened for the past 3 years, but I have had depression for most of my teenage years. It feels like I'm constantly walking on eggshells around him, and every time the fight goes the same way.
He says something, I say something either he doesn't agree with, he raises his voice, then begins shouting. My Mum [50's F] either sticks up for me or tells him to stop shouting, which makes him say all terrible sorts of things to her. I then tell him to stop, which makes him leave the room. He comes back, shouting louder, then walks up to me and says "if you don't like it here, you can f### off and find somewhere else to live". Either then he walks up to hit me which I get away from, then he storms off and then he doesn't talk to me for a day.
Recently, this has been happening every week nearly, with things getting even worse. About 2 weeks ago the same thing happened and he got in his car and drove away, only coming back because my mum texted him and told him to come back. He did, and blamed this on both of us. Then he didn't talk to me for a day and after that suddenly he pretends like nothing ever happened. He also tries to tell me that I remember things wrong in these fights, and that I am the one who always starts them, which I recently found out it gaslighting.
Last night this happened again, until he said some things that I don't feel are possible to take back, like telling me I am a loser and all of my friends hate me because I'm an a#$hole, and that he regretted me being born. I feel that crossed a line, due to the fact that this argument started because he told me when I was barbecuing sausages not to put the lid down, even though that's the way I always do it. He then proceeds to tell me my memories of cooking sausages have never happened, and then starts the fight/argument. That was too bizarre to even comprehend a fight about. It always ends with him telling me that he works way too hard and buys me everything I want for me to talk to him "like a dog". It feels like it always goes around to where its about him and how I'm constantly treating him the wrong way, even though I only ever raise my voice when he starts a fight.
I've only included these specific circumstances because I feel I need outside confirmation that this in fact very wrong, and that I or my mum are undeserving of this. There have been countless more things that have happened like this over the years I have never told any of my friends this, as I have felt that doing so will make them want to get away from me. I have never gotten any form of therapy, even though I was going to when one of my best friends died about a year and a half ago. My father unsurprisingly told me therapists are useless and I need to deal with my problems on my own.
Currently, I have finished high school and am taking a break until going to university next year. Unfortunately I live in a holiday tourist destination and the only jobs that are available are during the summer. He has used this to continue telling me I am a loser without a job because I am 'lazy'. I have told my mum to tell a relative about this but she said that if she does "it's all over".
I think I have a few options to deal with this. I have a relative on my mum's who may be able to take me in for a while, although they also live out of the city where there isn't much public transport. I also have an aunt on my dad's side who I was going to stay with during me going to university until I decided to go next year, due to a lack of money.
I hope this isn't too long winded, but does anyone have advice? I know its a lot to take in, but I don't know how much longer I can exist like this for.
tl;dr: I think my nFather is emotionally abusive, and I don't know what steps I should take.
Submitted March 08, 2017 at 06:54PM by isthisabuse1221 http://ift.tt/2mHE6F7
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