Hi, r/relationships - this is my first post here, but I lurk quite often. This is a throwaway account, obviously.
Edit To make the post more readable. Also, I didn't realize this post was so long, so here's my tl;dr:
tl;dr: Husband is a stay at home dad who has fallen through on his promise to take on the majority of the house work and it's taking a toll on our relationship. How do I have a productive conversation about what I need him to do without him getting offended?
My husband, Bob, and I have been together for 4.5 years, married for 3. We have a 2 year old son together named Larry. Bob is my best friend and we have so many awesome shared experiences together.
Most of our problems began after Larry was born. Because of our work schedules (I worked shitty, inconsistent retail hours, and Bob worked third shift Thursday - Sunday), and the fact that we couldn't afford daycare, Bob was left to watch the baby while I worked (I watching him when I wasn't working). This sometimes meant that he would get off work at 8am and come home to watch Larry without any sleep while I worked 9am - 6pm, and then have to go back to work that night at 10pm. There were plenty of times that I called out of work because he was so exhausted from work the night before that he couldn't watch the baby.
We fought a lot during this time, so I took it upon myself to find a better job with higher pay and better hours. Before long, I accepted a job at an awesome company with a Monday - Friday, 8am - 5pm, with weekends off, at double the pay. Bob stayed at his same job with no plans to look elsewhere. I figured this was his prerogative.
Bob still had the same schedule with Monday - Wednesday off work, so he would watch Larry those days and then we would put Larry in daycare Thursday and Friday so that Bob could sleep during the day and prepare for his night shift. I was the sole care giver to Larry on the weekends since Bob was so exhausted from working. This schedule worked for us and things seemed to mellow out for a while.
In May of 2016 Bob was laid off from his job. He knew it was coming for about a month beforehand and we talked about him applying for other jobs to prepare for the lay off. Well, the time came and he had no other job lined up. We took Larry out of daycare because we could no longer afford it, and Bob became a temporary stay at home parent while he looked for a job.
Honestly, I'm not sure how diligent he was in his job search over the months that followed since I didn't want to nag, but about 3 or 4 months later with no prospects, he confided in me that he had quit looking for a job and would just be a full time stay at home parent. I told him this was fine (because obviously I can't force him to apply for jobs) as long as he took on the majority of the house work. He agreed.
Now, the house work has always been a hot button topic in our relationship. When Bob worked third shift, he was always too exhausted on the mornings after he worked to be able to help out around the house and could do little more than eat and watch TV before he fell asleep. I was understanding for the most part since I know that working during the night and sleeping during the day takes a huge toll on your body.
However, I wasn't as understanding on his off days when he would watch Larry. They wouldn't do anything - just sit around the house and watch TV and make a mess. I would have to come home from work and clean up the house, start a load of laundry, wash the dishes, and take care of Larry since Bob was burned out from watching the baby all day. I am also the parent who gives Larry a bath every night, reads him a book, and puts him to bed. This is how it's always been and Bob only does the nighttime routine if I happen to be having dinner with a friend (very, very rare) or if I'm sick (has only happened once in two years).
Now that Bob has been a stay at home parent for almost a year, I feel like he has not held up his end of the bargain. Most days I get home from work and still have to pick up the house (dishes from the bedroom and living room, smashed up pretzels and bananas in the carpet, kitchen a mess from Bob's cooking during the day, etc.), do the laundry, wash the dishes...all while Bob sits at the computer in the bedroom playing video games. About every other week he will clean the house really well (not the whole house, just the living room and kitchen) and then expect me to praise him and tell him what a good job he did. But he never keeps it up.
We fight more now than we ever have. I feel so frustrated that I took the initiative to find a better paying job with better hours and excel there, and Bob gets to lose his job, not put in the effort to find a new one, and stay home all day and do nothing (obviously he takes care of a toddler, but doesn't leave the house most days, doesn't pick up after himself, refuses to join any sort of stay at home parent club, etc.).
Our sex life has also dwindled because I feel like my needs aren't being met. I know he feels hurt, and like I don't find him attractive anymore, but honestly I just don't feel anything sexual toward him anymore.
I've told him numerous times that I need him to help out more around the house and I'm not comfortable with the current 85/15 split we've got going on, but he gets so offended and says that since I can't see what he does all day that I just automatically assume he does nothing. I understand that staying home with a toddler all day is not fun and is not a vacation. I go out of my way to make sure that Bob gets alone time by taking Larry to a gymnastics class one day per week and taking him out on the weekends without Bob whether it be just to the grocery store for an hour or to my parents' house for a whole day/the whole weekend.
So, r/relationships, what needs to change here? How do I have a productive conversation with my husband that won't end in him getting offended? How do I tell him that I need more support without sounding selfish? Am I selfish?
tl;dr: Husband is a stay at home dad who has fallen through on his promise to take on the majority of the house work and it's taking a toll on our relationship. How do I have a productive conversation about what I need him to do without him getting offended?
Submitted March 09, 2017 at 09:42AM by workingmommy2 http://ift.tt/2m6AFnK
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