PART I The Mistake
It was my day to do the dishes. I just got this dildo as a present from my girlfriend. It's plastic, lime green, and vaguely penis shaped but not obvious.
I share a bathroom with my sister (8 years my junior) and couldn't risk being caught scrubbing it in the sink, and didn't know if hand sanitizer/wipes would be thorough enough, so as a last resort, I threw it in the top rack of the dishwasher. Usually my family avoids housework like the plague, so I wasn't worried about anyone touching the dishwasher. I loaded the detergent, pressed "start", and waited anxiously for the cycle to finish. I got up to plug my phone in, and having been up all night before studying, fell asleep.
I woke up three hours later and raced to unload the dishwasher. There, like a lemon scented Freudian nightmare, was my mother in her yellow dish gloves, holding my dildo.
"Mom, I can explain this--" she cut me off, "Don't worry, I should have told you." I looked at her, confused. "I know it's your day to wash up but you'd been studying so hard I didn't want to wake you. I forgot to tell you we need to unload early today because your grandparents are coming for dinner." My mother talks with her hands, so as she tells me my grandparents are visiting, she's flailing the sex toy around like a baton.
She says "But I was wondering," (in reference to my dildo) "where does this go, I don't recognize it." I was at a loss for words. Because of the plastic and the bright color, and you know, finding it in the kitchen, she apparently assumed it was some sort of cooking utensil. "Oh, is it one of those wands to drizzle sauce?" Panicked I just vigorously nodded my head while she put it away in a drawer.
I spent the next two hours plotting how to sneak it out of there, but she was cooking right from the time she found it. She didn't even stop for a bathroom break.
I tried to set off a smoke detector so we'd all have to leave the house, but by the time I came up with this idea and I found one of my dad's lighters, she was already setting the table. And to my horror, my nine year old sister was carrying our third generation antique gravy boat to the table, with my dildo sticking straight up, erect, if you will, in the sauce.
I called my best friend and begged him to say I'd borrowed the "sauce drizzler" from him and he needed it back now, but by the time he stopped laughing and listened to my plea, my grandparents had already arrived. And we don't live in the kind of community where friends drop by unexpected, so if he came now it would arouse suspicion.
PART II The Dinner
My grandparents had arrived and were hanging out in the TV room playing checkers with my little sister. The table was set and we were waiting to eat until my dad got back from work. So about this time he comes in the door and my mom furiously ushers everyone in to the dining room (alcove just off the TV room).
I'm almost sweating through my shirt, my face is red, and I'm usually pretty quiet but out of nervousness I just couldn't shut up. My dad put his hand on my shoulder and I jumped out of nervousness. He said "You ok 'athrowawayof_course'?" I said "Of course I am I'm always ok, everything's fine and I'm so lucky to have such a great family and pot roast is my favorite, but you knew that didn't you?" He gave me a sideways look and sat down. We said grace (yep, we're religious, because that helps me so much in this situation) and my dad started to carve the roast for everyone.
I'm practically unconscious from anxiety at this point and my leg is shaking which is noticeably shaking the table. My father says to my mother "Pass the gravy down please?" He picks up my dildo by the base, and starts to absentmindedly drizzle the gravy when he furrows his brown and slowly looks down at the "gravy wand" in his hand, at my pale pathetic shaking self, and at the "drizzler" again, and collapses laughing. Big heaving chuckles and guffaws. He's in tears laughing and holding his sides while everyone goes "What, what's funny?!?!" He gets up and says through rips of laughter "Excuse me everyone, I have to go wash my hands." But as he's turning to leave he says "Dad, I know you're not a fan of gravy but this is a new recipe and you have to try it." My mother is like "It's not a new recipe it's the same brand I always buy--" But my dad is already out of the room.
So my grandpa says "Don't be silly, I'll give it a try, 'my mothers name'." But as my sister passes it down, my grandmother grabs it first, since she's sitting closer. She drizzles a heap of gravy on to her meat and passes it to my grandfather. He picks it up and takes a little gravy when he gets a full view of what exactly he's holding. My grandpa is an OG. He didn't even crack a smile. He just slid the dildo back in to the gravy and placed it calmly back on the table. He throws an arm across my grandmother and says "No more dear, I think the meat's a tad underdone." She says "What? Tastes fine to me." And goes for another bite. My grandpa snatches the fork out of her hand and proceeds to go dump both their plates in the trash. My mother is appalled they don't want her cooking and offers to throw it back in the oven. My grandfather said "At our age, food poisoning is serious business, can't take the risk." My grandmother was about to further protest when my grandpa inconspicuously pulls the dildo out of the gravy enough for my grandmother to recognize it (I don't want to know why she could). She quickly says "You know, I wasn't all that hungry anyways."
So my grandpa isn't going to let me get away with this that easy. It takes maybe three minutes before he says to my mother "This jerked chicken is delicious." I choked on the green bean I'd been nibbling. My confused grandmother said "Dear, it's a pot roast. Are you feeling alright?" My grandpa says "Never. Better. I'm just saying this particular pot roast reminds me of pulled pork. Maybe it's something in the gravy? Then my grandmother realized what he was doing and firmly says "David, stop it." My mother goes "Everyone is being so strange tonight. What is going on?" My Dad walks back in, face still red from laugh-crying.
My grandfather cuts in "So, 'athrowawayof_course' I hear you've been studying long and hard for finals." My mother doesn't get it and says "With college applications coming up, it's never been more important." My grandpa: "Oh yah, yah, I hear it can be really difficult to penetrate that inner circle." My Dad excused himself again. Just as he was leaving the table, the doorbell rings. In between snorts he calls to my mother "I've got it hun!"
He answers the door and it's my neighbor from a few houses down, who also happens to be my and my sister's piano teacher, so she knows our family pretty well. She's locked out and wants to wait for the locksmith inside our place since it's so cold outside. My mother offers to fix her a plate. She gratefully accepts and sits down. She's met my grandparents before at our recitals so they get to talking about politics or whatever when my mother offers her some gravy. My dad and grandfather simultaneously go "No!" And my dad cuts in "It's spoiled." My mother says "Nonsense. They've been strange all night, don't mind them. Must be the cold weather."
So my neighbor/piano teacher/family friend clasps my dildo with both hands and begins drizzling the sauce over her meat. She stops and puts it back in the boat, then raises her eyebrows all the way up, and pushes her plate away. A few silent seconds of chewing go by when my neighbor says "'my mother's name'?" -- pause -- "There's an artificial phallus in the gravy."
PART 3 Aftermath
So a few minutes after that my grandfather got up and thanked my mother for the most exciting meal he'd had since the war, and got the heck out of dodge. My father was trying to collect himself from laughter again, and my mother was multitasking between assuaging my piano teacher and my sister's questions about what an "artificial phallus" is.
It is around that time my mother points at me and says "Room. Now." I'm just glad to have a reason to leave the table.
About forty five minutes later my mother comes in to lecture me about boundaries and morals and hygiene. Informs me I'm grounded from now through all of winter break. She hands me back my toy, and says I'm not in trouble for owning it, I'm in trouble for "bringing it to dinner."
She gets up to leave, but as she does, she turns to me and says one last thing. "Son, I know at this age you'll experiment with your sexuality, but hear me when I say, you won't do it in the kitchen."
TL;DR I put my dildo in the dishwasher and my mother mistook it for a serving utensil. She then used it to dispense gravy at a dinner with my little sister, grandparents, and piano teacher. Chaos ensued.
PS: This happened last week but because of the dildo component I couldn't post it until the weekend.
Submitted January 01, 2017 at 12:25AM by a_throwawayofcourse http://ift.tt/2iRCdQO
