So first time posting here and really he's just kinda of real bad guy and here's an insight of what the current situation and who i am. Prepare yourself for quite some text.
Person A:How about going to the local library and using a computer there? I completely understand how difficult it may be dealing with narc parents. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists as it's a really nice community with others who understand what you're going through. There are also communities such as 7Cups which may be helpful.
You can always "go for a walk" and then call something like Childline or Samaritans. They don't come up on your bill and on their site they've got guides how to keep it a secret etc. That's confidential unless you're actively suicidal/homicidal/being harmed by a person in a position of trust I believe. You can also go to Samaritans (they have many centres across the country) and talk to someone there I believe.
If you are constantly telling people about your problems, it may mean that you are craving validation. There's nothing wrong with that, because when you live with Narc parents you are scrutinised for everything you do and constantly invalidated. By using things like Childline, you can get help from people who are trained in "active listening" which means that they are there to validate your feelings and listen to you.
It's human to want to be heard and valid, and when we aren't given what we need, it becomes destructive. You can always pm me if you need to talk Dealing with narc parents is hard. But you can't let them win. You have to get better and improve yourself. They will never be happy with you, but it doesn't matter, because you have yourself and that's what matters.
Me:Don't have the time there. Given the current situation with mocks coming up and about a week and a few days left of "holiday" i must revise as much as possible and i can't waste an hour walking to and fro the library. Yes http://ift.tt/1MqsFVC this is a very nice place, stories of others whose parents are just as bad as my dad. Comforts me knowing it's not just me. Haven't posted anything there because i feel any sort of decent explanation will be way too long and any questions asked will too have long answers and thus incomes the problem of my dad.
Eh, childline is ok but they stopped replying to me after the first 3 replies i waited i week i think or something like that and still no replies so i quit that. Haven't tried any others i just don't really have the time to spend on it, work is more important, always has been and my health can come a bit later make sure it's not broken down too much, as long as i'm alive and well enough to do what i need it'll be fine, get into uni, get a decent mark on my exam get a good degree and then a good job which should mull me over for he rest of my life.
What i hate about me is that i'm egotistical. Yet maybe(i hope so) people here wouldn't describe me as that. I always think about myself and what's best for me and trample on anyone else and use any one else to my benefit. Most of that is "internalised" and no-one thankfully ever sees it.(Example of something i've never told anyone before but that's probably the best of my secrets, there's much worse ones....). I just can't bring myself to burden anyone else with my problems. They should be dealt by me and me alone. If it ever comes to it i will ask for help as a last resort. (yes yes all the (n)edgy(n+2)me comments incoming)
I crave too much, too much in my childhood have i been obnoxious and loud and outspoken. I don't want to be that person anymore. That's not me. I'd rather die than willingly obey my dad with the knowledge of what he's done. Dad i couldn't give one about, he's lost his children, They don't like him and he doesn't get it. He won't let it go and it just makes the kids hate him more bc he won't **** off. Maybe a time have i heard him say i'll **** off and pack my backs and go to Hong Kong and never come back. They're just empty threats. He's also said that he would(not yet) beat my mum bloody. He's also said that if the kids ever need anything ask mum for it not him. I'm kind of that person who's willing to let things take their course without acting unless they feel hey need to.
Person A: Are you in year 11? And yes, I completely understand. I've got mocks too, and it's pretty stressful. It is true that at this time, revising is extremely important. However, you know what's more important? You. Your health. Is it really worth it to revise until the point you're burned out for a letter on a piece of paper? Because of Narc parents, the idea that we are worthless become ingrained in our minds. We treat ourselves badly, and we don't take care of ourselves properly, simply because it's what we've been told for most of our life. We constantly invalidate ourselves with everything we do; for example, you said you wanted to make a post about your life etc on r/raisedbynarcissists, but you followed it with invalidating yourself saying there's no point of it. Trust me, the people there are amazing. It doesn't hurt to make a post of it.
At the library, you could revise. Perhaps you could revise alongside talking (i find they take a while to reply to be honest) on the chat. But most of the time you could revise and maybe for some of it go on childline. And on the way there you could listen to a podcast/clips etc. that you could find online. Perhaps going outside could give you some fresh air and more focus for when you're going to study. It's about having a balance.
About Childline; just because something has happened before does not mean it will happen again. It's about trying. If it doesn't work out, think like this; it's about you. You got it out. You expressed how you felt, it didn't work out, but you talked about it. It's about you.
I find something really interesting about your reply. You go from invalidating your health and you as a person (my health can wait, study is more important - and by the way, that's a behaviour your narc dad has ingrained in you) to calling yourself egotistical and that all you do is think about yourself and "use" other people. I think perhaps you should think about why you consider yourself to be egotistical, considering how at the same time you feel like a burden and constantly invalidate yourself. An egotistical person would think about themselves 24/7, yet you are empathising with anyone who wants to help you as you don't want your problems to harm them. It's important to think about why you feel the way you do, and argue against the behaviours your narc dad has ingrained into you. Understanding where the opinions come from and why you behave in that way can lead to understanding your situation with your dad better.
You say you don't want to be like your dad and you express you hate him. Here's the truth; narcs don't care. They don't. And there's nothing you can do against it. And the only thing that matters is you, you getting past this and becoming happy yourself. Because he's not going to change, but you can. So as you're devoting endless time to studying, consider who you're doing it for. To please your dad? Considering what he's like? While at the same time neglecting yourself? Is it worth it, and to what extent? To get over your dad, you need to take care of yourself. Give yourself what you haven't been given over your life. You deserve to feel goodabout yourself, no matter what anyone says. You are first as a person, and the longer you leave your health, the worse it gets. Trust me, I know. It's easy to stay in abusive relationships as it's predictable which seems to make it easier. But there are other choices. Fight back, and take care of yourself and give yourself what you have deserved.
(I realised this was long, but this means a lot to me. Nobody deserves to feel unloved. You're worthy. And that's why I'm taking the time to reply to you. Because you're not a burden and it's my privelege to give you some comfort. There is so much good in the world.)
Me:No i'm in upper 6th. No my health is not more important. That letter on that paper will help me get a job and prove i've done well. That's all people value in this world. I must compete with them no matter what it takes, i must try and do aswell as possible, if it means staying up all night for the next 2 weeks just to get that extra few marks so i can get that A instead of a B i'll do it. All people tell me is that life is unfair and it's true, these saying don't come from nowhere. Generally an element of truth is connected. If i get screwed over by my dad oh well. Who cares besides those affected? No-one does. That's that i just gotta suck that **** up and move on asap.
All revising techniques have faults and none is without one. With the one you suggested which is one which is highly recommended to me by many assumes that the revision time i use will be quality. I however cannot do "quality" revision. I have to go over things multiple times compared to anyone else to get the same outcome as others. I can't therefore use this method but one which wastes away my health, outside time, fresh air, all for a day of revision sat at my desk with my laptop. I must tip the balance heavily in favour of revision and little of anything else. Otherwise my M2 papers will be a good downfall of me just like my C3 and my chem is doomed anyway so little will be done for that but i can do something. I will spend the time on philosophy and M2 +C3 papers. I don't spend my time 90% efficient. I personally need a bit of break while doing stuff and that's how things get done. So far i've been doing a paper a day slogging through it all because i haven't gotten used to it. Even though i've done about 12 C3 and 2 M2 papers in total i still can't finish them any quicker. Don't forget this is only 1/3 of my subjects. Yes i'm should've started earlier but i'm trying to correct my mistakes and something has to be sacrificed for that.
Eh, it's not consistent enough for me to carry on.(Yes yes i'm selfish like that it's come from him -.-')
The reason why is because that's who i am. It's my true personality which is obviously not shown. The burden i.e my own problems are mine alone and if i can solve them myself i should. For example if i accidentally cut myself while cutting some vegetables then yes of course i'll go and put plaster on and carry on. If however when it comes to cooking the food and some of the hot food i'm cooking somehow flies out at me and burns me on the eyes or something weird like that then of course i'll get some medical help. Pffft many thing i say are valid and invalid i'm used to it. People don't like how i think. A good example of this is "compulsory fun". Every step of the way someone forces it i will step backwards and always oppose that. I hate people who force it. It's an excuse to make someone do something they don't want to do. Unless you want to do it then you shouldn't. I missed a few compulsory sportshall sessions of football. I hate football and of course i don't therefore go with the typical boys like football stereotype. I didn't go and the teachers came up to screw me over and make me go down to the sportshall. I refuted every single one of his points and made the example of how about everyone comes to my room for an hour to league of legends with me it's compulsory and you can't not come. I made the point that there's no difference between the sport and the game situation. Some people like it some don't, it should't be forced. Both can give enjoyment, one keeps you healthy and both can keep you entertained. Ok, so let me explain this. when i moved from 3rd year to 4th year in boarding school i moved houses and lived in a different house this is where i met Steve(we'll call them Steve). Steve was a person no-one liked because of his habits ways and actions and behaviour towards things. He always used to do things his way and do the weirdest **** ever. Still i respected the guy and we became best buds because we had plenty in common. He taught me one thing which was very important to me throughout the 2 years he was there for(he left in upper 6th). He taught me how to think for myself the more i was with the guy i learned how to become more independent and think what the right thing to do was, regardless of any silly rules of school or the boarding house. He made me into who i am today. Before that throughout my life i never thought for myself. I always followed others and chose the laziest option out of everything. I always followed the crowd and accepted things the way they were. So if old me was presented with compulsory fun i'd just get on with in and grumpily go outside. Even now i think what old me would do and what i would currently do with this current state of me. It's kind of a bit bipolar?(maybe that's an insult to bipolar people i dunno :/) Bu that's that. The reason you'll accept thought it that i think of myself with no self worth whatsoever. Other are always more important than me and that's something i've picked up as well as learning how to think for myself. My dad hasn't taught me this, he's just made me hate him with more and better justification. He will be hated and without a thought if i was given the chance to snap his stupid neck and kill him with no repercussions of any sort for anyone i'd do it gladly without a second thought. Everyone tells me i'll want to keep contact and still see them maybe once or twice. No. I absolutely do not care whatsoever about that pathetic human who calls them self my father. Anyway onto the next paragraph. Feel as if it's writing one of my philosophy essays again.
He doesn't care you're right, that's why i don't give af either and give him half arsed answer and seems kinda angry when he asks me anything. I'm almost always willing and happy to return the favour. Who am i doing it for? That was answered a long time ago, it's why i can motivate myself to study. I wouldn't do anything for him. It's for me or my mum. My mum has given me so much and yet i've given her barely anything in return. First i have to help me and then help her. Honestly i feel horrible about myself a lot of the time and i've grown to not care. there's nothing unacceptable about how i am right now... well there is but i just refuse to improve on some of those things. I'll let you in on a secret. The reason i "don't look after my health" possibly or maybe you think this is an excuse is because again of my dad. He always goes on about non issues. My brother for example has eczema on his lips. My dad keeps telling him to wash his lips properly and that he's dirty and doesn't clean himself properly. My mum even went to him with the doctors and the doctor said it was eczema and it wasn't because he didn't wash properly. Yet to this day if it ever comes up my dad always likes to keep digging at my brother. He makes fun of me because i have stretch marks. He thinks it's funny and just laughs and says that only girls have it. Which mildly p***es me off but not self conscious. Just like he goes on with food, He always keeps telling me to eat loads and loads of fruit and vegetables. He thinks i could eat the same i could when i was 9 years old. When i was that age, i ate loads because i needed to grow but now i ain't growing that much yet he still makes me eat loads. So i just refuse and the amount of fruit and vegetables he cooks is stupid. You could feed about 15 people with the amount he cooks. He never listens in that respect. As for going outside, there ain't much i can do in the bad area where i live. Not really anywhere to run as such it's all urban area, just loads of houses and people living so yea no hills or good routes for me to run. But it literally just boils down to me not willing to go out for a run and prioritising work over hp.
Maybe i don't deserve it, maybe i do. One thing i do know, is that i just lost all that care about any that insignificant. I'll build my own life through whatever and money will get me things to make me happy. That's all i know. There may be good in the world but that good ain't coming to me. Maybe you do care but you shouldn't all i needed was a solution to keep it all in and tell no-one. Just the icicle on the tip of the iceberg of all the secrets revealed here. But yea anyway, what a hefty reply and thanks if you take the time to read it all. Despair is the word which describes my current situation.
Thank you so much for taking to the time to read. Sorry for any mistakes throughout.
Submitted December 31, 2016 at 04:32PM by poundsoffat http://ift.tt/2ipqWbt
No comments:
Post a Comment