When we met, I was still young I guess (or felt anything but old, felt I had my whole life in front of me, plenty of time, etc...)
I had a cool/less serious job, liked electronic music, playing poker, programming, playing lots of video games, cooking random meals (crabcakes my favorite), going out partying and generally had an energy for doing most things. My sillyness and not serious side is definitely what she liked about me the most, my new job and just being in a relationship though I feel like sort of took away that side of me. For some reason almost none of those things sound interesting or exciting to me anymore. I've been pretty unhappy with work, and life in general outside of it, and not really been putting a lot of thought or effort in to my relationship for a while now... (Honestly not realizing how important or meaningful it was until she left) But, this whole experience of this relationship has made me feel old, something she used to make fun of me for all the time "old ass man" lol.
The thing is, while we were dating I never thought seriously about my future, her breaking up with me however, brought self-awareness of my life and what I was doing with it in to the fore-front of my mind, what do I really want out of my life? Do I want to get married, have kids, where should I settle down? She was making a lot of hints to this for the last month or so of things, but never came right out and said what she wanted, think of marriage, being true partners in life, etc... and me being the idiot that I am didn't pick up on it at all. I for the most part was still in "let's just have fun and see how things go" mode, even after we moved in together a few months ago. And she never really pressed me to have a serious, sober conversation about important things in our future.
The shittiest part is now that it's something I'm actually thinking about, it is what I want, but I want it with someone that I've had a fun, energetic dating life with to start things off, someone exactly like her!! The breakup over the past few weeks has been extremely trying for me, mentally and emotionally, having trouble eating, sleeping, thinking, massively upset etc.... But my real question is, how do I go about "finding myself" and my happiness again after being this down and upset (about losing a great person) and misguided with what I was doing with my life? (To the point of it ending my relationship with the most meaningful and sweetest person to have ever been a part of it).
I feel too old to "start again" and be going out drinking, enjoying bars/concerts etc... just having fun, it all just makes me miss having here there with me for those things, and seems the opposite of what I should be doing to form a long-lasting, passionate, loving relationship. I'm now living in a townhome we shared together, by myself with "our" dog and cat, working a pretty serious/demanding job, and don't really have an "explorative" social circle anymore, most of the people I know are in relationships and frequent more or less the same places.
Was I just extremely lucky for things to have unfolded like this and messed it all up? Am I wanting too much here? If you have any sort of perspective or advice on my situation, I would love to hear it!
tldr; feel like I was a more fun, happier, attractive person when we got together, lost a lot of my fun positive qualities while we dated, now conflicted on seriousness of relationships and dating, what do I do??
Submitted December 24, 2016 at 05:07PM by dubstep_gun http://ift.tt/2hd40tz
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