Ever since discovering my father dead almost two months ago I've been slowly losing it. Ever since I had shook him, ever since I flipped him over and started screaming due to how blue his lips were.. the color of his skin.. the temperature of his body.. Ever since I had to give him compression CPR until the medics came.
The best fucking part of it is my dog died of kidney failure not even a two weeks after my dad died.
I can't keep up with anything. I can't do anything. I'm a fucking mess when I'm alone. When I'm in public I'm either numb to hide my emotions but lately I've been angry. I've been so fucking angry that I could fucking destroy everything in my sight. The smallest things set me off and once I'm off there's no stopping me. There's no control, I have no control. I hate not having control. I can't...
When the flashbacks come I feel like ripping my eyes out of my head. I want to shove knives in my ears and twist them until I go deaf. I want to wash my hands until they bleed. I want to bang my head against the wall until my head has fucking caved in to make it all stop.
I have a bunch of new household chores to do now since he is gone. Too many.. I'm doing too much but if I don't do them they'll never get done. Nothing will get done. I have to do them. I have to. I'm not saying chores like "the garbage wah wah wah". No I'm fucking running a three person household just minus cooking dinner and doing dishes. Everything else I'm doing. I have to monitor my mother's health and my brother's school life as well. Especially my mother.
I feel like ripping all the flesh off my body, pull each hair follicle out one by one.
I haven't self harmed in two years. I haven't tried killing myself in two years. I'm not actually going to hurt myself but those feelings I expressed above are truly mine. I wouldn't hurt myself bc I don't want to go to a hospital. I can't go to a hospital because if I go to a hospital nothing will get done at home. Everything will fall apart and I'll be to blame. I need to make sure everything is safe and sound in this house and if I'm not there to do that than it's all fucked.
I just want it fucking scream. I want to break everything. I want to destroy everything and everyone that gets in my way. I'm fucking this close to losing it. I can't sleep some nights and others I'm sleeping way to fucking much. I'm paranoid as all hell. My anxiety is through the roof and when my anxiety is high I get OCD traits. All I want to do is cry but I'm tired of crying I'm tired of being weak. I can't tell my therapist all of this bc she'll send me to a hospital, I can't tell anyone.
I can't do this. I can't fucking do this. I CANT FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS.
Submitted December 18, 2016 at 04:40AM by mysteryawaken http://ift.tt/2hI45Hx
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