Throwaway because this is going to get very detailed (fake names and minor details changed to protect people).
A couple weeks ago I broke up with my ex. We dated exclusively from Feb-June (we had been dating casually from December-Feb). We were old friends that fell apart. I blocked him a couple years ago because he was constantly berating me for perceived slights. The final straw was when I was in the group chat and I invited people out to a last minute little goodbye event for a friend who was moving out of town.
One person in the group just said. "Sorry, can't make it."
One other person told me I can't plan things last minute and expect people to come.
And then ex boyfriend (just friend at the time) (we'll call him Dan), jumps in. After already saying he can't. And goes into this long lecture about how rude I'm being by sending a last minute invitation, and berated me for inviting them out to something expensive (it was a movie with $5 tickets). No where in my invitation did I say they were obligated to come, or even implied it. So I blocked all of them after that, because I didn't really know the others, and Dan had a really bad habit of acting like a know it all, and looking down on you for you not doing something the "right" way.
We bump into each other two years later and I'm immediately attracted. After a couple weeks of talking, I bring up the reason I had him blocked (he had given me the benefit of the doubt and didn't ask any questions). He said he didn't even remember and was really sorry. And completely admitted that that wasn't ok.
I still have anxiety when inviting people out to things, and stumble over myself constantly assuring the person they're not obligated to come (I am pursuing therapy, for this reason and many many others). Which I hate, I feel like that should be an automatic assumption of an invitation.
The relationship quickly turned sour. As soon as we became exclusive we were fighting every single week. Mainly because he would yell and slam something (one time over taking too long to cook breakfast, nearly shoved me out of the way and took over, and criticized how I was cooking), and I would get scared and cry (had a father who constantly intimidated me by yelling at me when I was a child. I hate being yelled at. I usually just shut down). Then he would feel bad. Get dower and go on about how he "didn't know why I was with him."
The issue wouldn't get resolved and I never felt like there was a good period. So in June, I finally had enough and broke up with him. And went no contact until end of October.
In October, I came over for a housewarming party. He was in a polyamorous relationship with one partner. And her and I got along really well. She heavily encouraged me and Dan to go talk. It was probably a bad idea. But we did.
He immediately apologized for the way he treated me. Said all the things I wanted him to say months ago. I wanted to enjoy it, but was also terrified I was getting manipulated.
We kissed and spent the night cuddling on the couch. I told him I didn't want to be a partner, and I wasn't sure if this was a good idea. I was open to casually dating. I was still going on dates with other people. He was much better this time around. I never felt ignored. He was more active than before. I felt secure. We both were able to communicate better. And he's really like my best friend. I could talk to him about anything. He would be so attentive, and we could have endless interesting conversations.
I came over one night, and asked if I could stay the night. He said sure. At some point in the night he told me his partner was really jealous and insecure because of me. Which made me feel awful. They had been having problems sexually, and he apparently talked a fair bit about how sexually compatible we were (yea, not the wisest on his part. I was not present for these conversations).
I go to bed and he stays out in the living room, then at 5 in the morning he comes and gently wakes me up. He told me his partner was coming over. I immediately panic, I tell him I'm really not comfortable with that. Especially given what he just told me a few hours ago. We're talking and he says she's about 5 minutes out. And then says she just sent him a text of "We need to talk."
I rush out of there, and Dan texts me about 20 minutes later. "She broke up with me."
I tell him I'm not comfortable talking to him anymore, and that I hope he finds happiness. Cue two weeks of no contact. Then I text and he blames me for the breakup. Saying if I hadn't ran away, him and his partner would still be together. Another week of no contact. I end up coming over and we talk. I bring up how he put me into a compromised situation without clearing it with me. He apologized and admitted it was not fair. He also went on about how she's been nasty since the breakup and that she's not the person he thought she was.
Casually dating happens again. Things seem amazing. Briefly. He then loses his job. He starts initiating touch a lot less (we're both super touchy people). He wants to hang out one on one a lot less. I'm initiating hangouts when he used to. Then we start having issues. He starts ignoring me with these issues. I don't communicate how his actions are making me feel. He even ignores me when I'm calling for good news. I panic and as soon as things went south. I initiated a really dramatic and vitriolic breakup. I feel awful about it.
I texted him the next day and said there was no excuse for my behavior and I was so sorry. He said he forgave me as soon as I calmed down and spoke to him.
We talked for hours the night of the breakup, but I stayed firm on my decision. He even offered FWB, but I said no. He said he wanted me in his life in any way. And how much he cared for and loved me. I said I'm going to need some space for awhile.
Now, I've been dreaming about him almost every night. How I'd make some sweeping gesture, win him back. And I wake up and feel ache and regret. I feel like I just threw away something amazing. I've texted him a few times. Innocuous things like jobs in the area I heard that's hiring that I think he'd be good at. He hasn't responded. And I don't fault him. I feel so awful for the way I acted. And he was vulnerable. And I ached rashly when he needed my help most.
I don't expect to get him back. I don't think I deserve him. But, how do I forgive myself? How do I move on from this? I am in so much pain. If you read this whole thing. Thank you so much.
TL;DR Off and on relationship. Things were great last time we were on. Things went south. I quickly broke up and was really mean. Can't stop thinking about him and my actions. How do I forgive myself and move on?
Submitted December 18, 2016 at 02:02PM by DatingDisaster123 http://ift.tt/2hWEIVp
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