The more time I let pass, the harder it becomes to write.
I need to remind myself that I don't need to write everything. I waste so much time being passively on the computer. If I'm going to waste time, I'd at lead like to be a little active with it. Producing something, rather than consuming little bits of information, then deleting them from memory, in a barely conscious state.
A few highlights that I want to remember to touch on: A Little Princess, My Summer Job Plan, Christmas Break, The Saffron Haired Girl, The Performance Evaluation, ISKCON and the Atheists
Ok, I think that's enough for now, let me try to cover these: A Little Princess-
My mom gifted me a book. She sent it in the mail after I went to visit her in October. ...The visit was bad, by the way. Her boyfriend called me a high maintenance brat. After I left he called me that.
Well, you can take from it what you will. If being vegetarian and insisting on a hygienic environment make me high maintenance then maybe.
When I'm on my own I take proper care of myself and maintain a comfortable hygienic environment.
When I'm not working, I typically spend the balance of my time cooking (fresh foods, from scratch) and cleaning house. I'm unaccustomed to being around people who do not put any effort into diet or living environment, but when I host guests I hold their accommodations to a higher standard than my own.
I'm unaccustomed to associating with people who view their guests as beggars who should be grateful for scaps.
I don't know why my mom is insisting on mooching off of a lazy old man in a filthy house with animal excrement stains in the carpet and take-away food everyday.
Anyways, somehow I've managed to get far off topic. During my visit I gifted my sister a movie called "A Little Princess" which was one of our favorites when I was kid.
After that, my mom sent me a book called "Sarah Crewe or What Happened at Ms. Minchin's".
I just recently got finished reading the book. And, I've been thinking about how much the movie influenced my childhood. And, how some parts of my life have actually mirrored the book.
I haven't told you about it but, there was this time period after I was married and my husband and I were living on my dad's property behind his house. My dad became incapacitated for some time (due to cancer) and my step-mom truly treated me and my husband as her servants.
But now things are so much better. And she regrets how she treated us.
It seems like a common fantasy. Being in a down trodden position, bottom of the totem pole. But then suddenly breaking free of it, leaving your oppressors in the dust and causing them to feel envious.
Harry Potter also plays into this fantasy. Cinderella as well. I think this line of thinking as always been part of my personality. Whatever situation I'm in, be in it but not of it.
Much like Sarah Crew in the book. Whatever situation she's in doesn't touch her because in her mind she's a princess. I do that all the time. Build little refuges for myself. To escape to and dream of returning to. I think that is part of going to the temple for me. So that, even if I'm in a job that sucks, I can dream about a place where I make garlands for Krishna and sing and feel happy.
But, I'm not in a job that sucks. So very thankfully, my job is becoming the sort of refuge I'd like to mentally escape to, when I'm in a trying situation. My job is a thing to look forward to.
Which is where my big plan is coming from.
My Summer Job Plan
In the past, I've been in situations that made me think "Never again." Worst of all was the situation with my step-mom (it really was an outlandish situation. I can't go into in full detail right now, it will take a lot of time and mental energy but truly...it is a very outlandish yet 100% true tale. She is exactly like an antagonist from some fantastical story,
I doubt you will believe me when I do tell you. My husband says, our year under her reign was truly like the Pandava's year of anonymity. True enough, but it was closer to what it would have been like had the Pandava's actually become the Kaurava's slaves.)
I've been in hard jobs that required a lot of physical work and often dealing with rude and mean customers and bosses. I was always respectful and had good work ethic but sometimes I felt overwhelmed, wondering if my situation would ever improve.
Well, now it has. And, I think it would be fun to revisit the past with the knowledge of the future. You know? Imagine being Sarah, and secretly knowing that it would be revealed that your father was still alive and would rescue you and buy the school.
Or, being Harry under the tutelage of the Dursleys and secretly knowing that Hagrid would soon appear and whisk you away to Hogwarts? Like, being in the midst of tribulation but knowing that things would turn out well for you in the end.
Knowing that it's an illusion. That you are not stuck. That you can leave, if you really want to.
Well, that's my fantasy, diary. To be back in such a job for a little while, but knowing that I don't have to be. I think I would derive great joy from it. Is it wrong?
I want to get a job this summer, a hard job, a low paying job. Honestly, I think I will do a great job. Be cheerful and respectful (just like I was when I worked such jobs out of necessity). Oh diary, I used to be so earnestly cheerful, it sometimes confused people.
But I would have fun. I would have fun because it is the difference between solving portal puzzles for fun and solving them because GladOS actually has you trapped in a laboratory.
It is the difference between running for your life to get away from a lion and going out for a jog. It is the difference between boxing for sport and defending yourself from a legitimate attack.
I will not let anyone know that I am there for sport. I will pretend to be there for real. It helps that I have recently realized that people perceive me as being much younger than I actually am. I am very fortunate and blessed with this.
Only people who know me well, and are able to piece together the time-line of events in my life who are able to get close to my actual age. And, even they guess too low and are surprised to learn how long I've been married, how long ago I graduated college, etc.
With no other cues I am assumed to be in my early to mid twenties. I will avoid doing anything to dispel this assumption in my summer job.
But the fun will be in knowing that I can leave if I want to. That will be the fun in it, do you see?
Ok. Anyhow, I am on Christmas break now. What did I want to say about that? I gave a pizza and cupcakes party to my students on the last day of school.
I let them pick a movie to watch. Two of my classes selected Harry Potter and one selected A Little Princess. The last day was a half day.
I bought pizza and cupcakes from a devotee at my temple who bakes, so all the food was pure-veg prasad.
And, I met a cool substitute who was from India. She was substituting for the in-class support teacher for my class. Great day to substitute: last day when everyone is just watching movies.
She and I chatted all through lunch. We talked about Mahabharat by B.R. Chopra, and Sholay.
Once the next class came, a student accidentally dropped this huge glass jar at my feet, scattering glass all over the flood and between my toes and between my feet (I was wearing open shoes). My new substitute friend was very concerned that my feet would get cut, and she was trying to help me and I made a very clever reference to that scene from Sholay where the villain makes the girl dance on glass.
Ok, so I'm on break now and I'm going on a little trip with my husband soon, to visit my brother in law and sister in law. I'm excited.
Ok, what else...
That Saffron Haired Girl
is back! She went missing for a long time, since my last encounter with her. No one at ISKCON heard from her since that. I felt very guilty about it. But, she's returned just this week! And, she's dyed her hair black!
She gave me a back massage as she hugged me, pressing/squeezing on either side of my spine in multiple spots down the length of my back. I do not know if this was something she learned in her yoga practice but truly she was very skilled.
Ok, the other thing I wanted to tell you about was my performance evaluation. It went well. I was very thankful. I love my job. This is the one year anniversary. I was hired last December. I started in January, but my first time meeting my coworkers was at the Christmas luncheon.
Well, last week I went to the Christmas luncheon and I was the first name drawn in the prize raffle! (Just like last year, WEIRDLY!). Then I had my performance evaluation and my principal was so kind, it made me cry.
Well, I was already sentimental. Anniversaries make me sentimental. I strongly suspect that when I die I'll become a ghost. I get very attached to places and people and routines.
I tried to visit my old classroom from last year, after everyone had left the school. I just wanted to stand in it. As a way of stringing my memories together neatly. Because last year at this time I'd just gotten that classroom and started decorating it. (I'm in a new classroom this year)
But, the door was locked.
I thought about asking the janitor to let me in, by saying I'd left something in there, but no janitor was around.
There's been a huge change in my life, diary. My life used to always be about getting to this point. The point of becoming a teacher. Everything I did, career wise, was about making myself more eligible and competitive for the role of a teacher.
Now I'm here. I'm in the place I'll probably be until retirement. I'm in the place where, if I do become a ghost someday, I'll probably haunt the halls of. God willing, I'll have a one year anniversary here, every year.
It's kind of a mind fuck, in a way. I need to shift my focus from becoming a teacher to becoming the best teacher I can be.
It's weird for me because, my life has never been still. I was a military brat so I never got used to staying in one place. I'm flighty. I've been swinging from job to job, getting into slightly better positions and slightly better programs and now...
I'm where I was trying to be. The impulse to move is still there. The urge to seek something new. But, it's a vestigial urge now. I hope I can stay where I am.
These thoughts were a little compounded by the fact that there was a retirement party on the last day of school. At a Mexican bar and restaurant. I was a little late. I got her luxury soap from Dubai.
It's weird. That's gonna be me someday diary. I hope. I hope I hope I hope. I hope I can stay. I like it here, I want to stay for a long time. I hope I am a good teacher.
Ok, what else?
ISKCON and the Atheists?
Maybe it's something I can tell you about later. I have to do some laundry now and actually...it's my husband's and my wedding anniversary
(we have two, though: an America anniversary and an India anniversary. This is our India anniversary. We're going out to dinner.)
Ok. Remind me to tell you about ISKCON and the Atheists later. There is a thing on my computer that is irritating my hand and making it hard to type...
Submitted December 18, 2016 at 07:19PM by RainWindowCoffee http://ift.tt/2hyi1Gi
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