Goddamn, I basically wrote my autobiography here
Ok, so I met this chick, Lulu. we met in school and dated for 3 years. My first serious relationship. We were chatty friends for a year or so before she asked me out, we liked the same kind of shows. She liked working. Really passionate about finishing her education with as high grade a possible, noble goal I thought. I just wanted to graduate without sacrificing everything that made me happy. The first couple dates went fine; dinner at a nice place, watch something back home. Dinner at a practical place, read something back home. So we made ourselves officially a couple and within the month we were sliding under the bedsheets-- ...In bed, our relationship was unusual: I have little sex drive, she had a ton. She wanted to "grind", I... didn't mind providing but didn't particularly enjoy it. She had had a "bad experience" (more on this later on) and would prefer no actual penetration. As I have said, I had little sex drive, so just seeing a woman topless would do aplenty. I had a little fetish and she would humor me so it was fine.
Over the years, she interrupted me in everyday subjects. I tried to talk about simple things, how my day was, about a really good story I read or this really sweet music track, she would interrupt. Months into the relationship, I finally asked her to stop interrupting... she simply responded she suspected she had "a bit of ADD" so she couldn't do it anything about it. "It's been that way since I was born." she'd conclude, and then keep on not paying any attention to what I was saying the next day.
She was ALWAYS working, I mean half the time it was directly correlated to her career, but oftentime it was massive effort and time on things that nobody cared about. We took some of the same classes, my work would oftentimes net me the exact same grade on a project. And she was ALWAYS tired. Dinner, maybe sex, SLEEP. Walk her to her place, take a nap. Wake up, have dinner, work. "Hey, wanna mix it up with this really cool movie I've been looking forward to watching with you?" She's tired, maybe later, hmmhmm ok. (we never did watch it)
Vacations hit. The day I took her home, away from college, and met her family, everything went buttery smooth. Her father liked me (whew!), her mother looked at me like I was the son she never had and actively encouraged our relationship, and her little brother immediately took a liking to me. We were to have dinner together later that week. Perfect, right? Well, not so. She called me a couple days later, venting her frustrations over how freaking hard it had been for them to accept her previous partner. I told her to chill the hell out, some guys are just jerks and they look it, but there was nothing to worry about now that her family approved of me. ....an hour of conversation later she finally admits the previous date she had brought home was another girl.... "..." "..." "So you'd rather be dating her rather than me?? Shall I stay home Thursday?" "N-no, no, come, come to dinner"
...so I'm guessing two girls in a relationship in bed just...? facepalm I don't even know, I may be overthinking this.
SO, months pass, and I'm content because my farthest relationship before her peaked at 5 months. Then, we hit her birthday. I had agreed to meet her but I was late and she had to head on home. She went extremely sad and I felt super guilty, I made a note to myself to be very careful with scheduling from then on, and procured to never be late to her birthday again.
Sometime later, she makes up with me, we're doing our usual bed business, and after we're done for the night, she asks. "Hey...would you....mind if we don't tell our families about something?" Sure. "...would it be ok if...mind if I date both you and...Gabriel?" "..." Gabriel was another of her friends. Decent guy honestly, but they've known eachother for longer than she's known me. And far as I know, they both were single. and I didn't dump her that day dear god what's wrong with me 3 days later I finally agree to see her and talk. she's 20 minutes late to the appointed time and place, she arrives just when I'm about to leave I frown. She tries to hug me, I push her away. She starts crying. "Are you still so mad? I'm trying to do things right" We talk things out. It would dawn on me, years later, that she never actually said "I'm sorry (for being so utterly selfish)" I remember, and resent myself, for I ended the discussion with "It's either him or me."
She chose me. At least told me she chose me. Have I mentioned I'm a moron?
Now, this whole pattern of major fk up, me taking it, and she excusing herself rather than living up to, kept repeating itself through the relationship.
For example, when she couldn't come to the first birthday I had during our relationship, because her stomach hurt. Or the second, because she was "massively busy". Or the third, because. I don't even remember what excuse she came up with.
Now, tragedy his us both, we BOTH had a member of the family succumb to a disease. Mine happened far earlier, so I tried to console her as we were going. I'm legitimately sorry it happened, as I happened to also know the family member who passed and he was also a rather good man.
Nearly two years in she starts saying she's in love with me, and promises to read a certain book with me, a regular fiction work I hold in the highest of regards, and it's on the short side too, the first of a series of four. A year after this promise, we actually sat down to read it. We got quite far, 60% or so of it, we enjoyed it greatly! Out time ran out but we agreed we could carry on later. I took her home, and came back to my own, feeling good and knowing this relationship was finally going places.
I was a fking moron
she sent me a text message the next morning about how I'd given up important things for both her and myself in the time we spent on it, and that particular book would do nothing for my life, that her life's dream wasn't to be my housewife so she can cook for me and do my laundry, and how I could not understand how her family member's passing had affected her, as my family member's passing didn't affect me as much, wow. In general, that she had to think about what she wanted in her life.
"Not the time to discuss this", I replied, then I didn't contact her at all for a couple weeks.
She sent in the meantime, a series of texts asking to talk to me, which I responded to coldly.
Finally, she sends another message:
"Fine, be like that. :)"
That's not a typo. "Do you even realize how you make people who care about you feel?" I don't remember what she replied, something to try to take the blame off her I assume. But we end up talking and I tell her anything like this ever happens again, we're done.
(Note to myself: Time travel=smack myself in the face, and slap her while I'm at it)
She vented a lot with me; at least it was refreshing to hear her complain about someone who wasn't me. I vented too--- and she didn't like it, she didn't think I had enough respect for my seniors, and once told me, "but what good does it do for you to tell ME?". I raised an eyebrow at her.
Some months later, I finally let her dig into her work, as she tended to. I did not call, I did not ask, I did not see her. A month into it she noticed zero contact and then she called me to talk again. I finally came to my senses and agreed to meet. I told her, flatly and in no uncertain terms we were done. I needed someone different. ...she was well aware, I think, for she made no argument.
- "I wish I had followed up on all those things I promised you."
- "I get it."
As the stupid fck I was, I did not tell her to go screw herself for being such a selfish btch, I didn't even block her. I just up and left.
So, a year passes by with little contact, but contact nontheless. We have a couple mutual friends and I'm sure as hell not giving them up, so we bumped once or twice.
Sometime later she finds out I'm dating someone new. When we meet, she takes the time to congratulate me, saying she's grad I found someone, I say my thanks. I'm not going to need a new partner to fix my life, nor does it make up for how she treated me, but no need to be rude.
Shesaid "I hope you're not angry about when I broke up with you."
eyebrow
"I hope you also remember I apologized." I remember her exact words, that was not an apology, it was a declaration of regret. There is a small, important difference.
"Lulu", I said, loud and clear using her full name for the first time in 4 years. "You broke up with me? No. I broke up with you. and it's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but one of the best decisions I ever made."
She messaged me a couple hours later, about why I had to be this way. I felt something pop in my brain, and typed. and typed and typed and typed. I have no idea how many messages it took, but I basically sent her a more detailed list of this post. It took two hours and it killed my battery, but it was relieving. From there, we slipped into a couple of text messages over the week, where she brought up her best memories about the relationship towards me, hoping I was well aware of... "Like everytime we went to watch a movie you wanted" Yeah, all those 3 times, 'cause I'm not much of a moviegoer, and half the time she wanted to watch her's so we were near a cinema anyway.
"and every time I cooked for you" legit point. I spend a lot of meals at takeout. I CAN cook however, and I know plenty of healthy and affordable places, and not to be sexist but my lady loves cooking for me so I suppose this is valid.
"or portrait of you I drew" Yeah. A pencil sketch. I was a nice gesture. Within 3 years of being together.
"and the hat I gave you." I don't even. It's a decent hat. I don't wear it much since it's not even a team I'm THAT big a fan of, but it's better than nothing.
"and how I have to rub it in her face that I have someone new, even after I congratulated you about her!" I don't see how me getting a new girlfriend affects anything about the relationship you had with me.
"And all those are things I never denied I did!" Yeah. I never brought them up. She regretting never living up to her promises (exact words) is an entirely different section of my disappointment with her, for if she had never promised anything, the relationship would still, as I see it, be a wreck I was too soft and dumb to abandon earlier.
Her last message was her saying she was blocking me, as she did not wish to talk to me again. I chuckled.
Now, she did cook for me everytime I went over. With what sex drive I have, for her own accord or not, she did pointedly show me what a topless body looked and felt like. She, for all her faults, WAS an important part of my sex life and, on a purely academic level, probably helped me raise my own score by a solid point.
No regrets, but observation: She was, whole not emotionally, physically-loving, almost never denying a kiss or a hug or a cuddle, almost always happy to take my hand when we went anywhere. And even, to a degree, taking to my suggestions to what made her more attractive in public and in bed.
part of my brain still considers the possibility that I could have done things differently. If I'm in the wrong, if I truly am in the wrong, I want to know.
I have zero interest in dating, or even seeing her later again, but I'm wondering; do you think it's possible this experience changed her at all? Do people change?
And lastly, does it seem like an exaggeration? If you think Lulu is a mostly-decent girl who made a few mistakes everyone makes, I really want to know. I want to know if I should expect this kind of treatment again, and if I should run hard or learn to live with it, for she clearly believes her sacrifices were put in the right places. AND I cannot bear the thought of me becoming the abusive part of any relationship, nor do I plan to take anyone's shit like that ever again.
Feel free to comment anything and everything, I just want knowledge. Thank you so much for reading so much, and merry Christmas!
Submitted December 24, 2016 at 06:30PM by Shinra-Army http://ift.tt/2hUIX33
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