Anger attacks

It's a bit off-topic but I like you guys a lot so I'll post it here - also, it's kinda T related.

Basically, I have really random outbursts of anger.

I'm usually very calm, when I get annoyed I might express that or just zone out and wait until it passes. But then, slight abnormalities, random little things that don't seem anger-inducing at all can and will set me in a state of anxiety/panic/anger. It used to be more of anxiety but it's become more anger-ish since I started T (it's also not very often, maybe 1-2 times a month).

It's usually induced when something doesn't go as planned or I lose control over a situation. Sure, this happens all the time (that's life) but sometimes it sparks these outbursts.

Two examples (the most extreme ones):

• Pre T attack: I'm in class and we have to form groups to do a ecology project - go outside to different areas and see how many plants grow there and document that. Cool stuff, I'm excited. I'd already mentally planned my group and mentally laid out how the process will be. This is important. One classmate makes a big fuss over how she MUST be in the group that does [some area]. There's a ton of moving people in and out of groups and the mood gets kinda tense and then she ends up in my group. I like everyone in my class but working with her can be a bit difficult. The sole fact that she was put in my group disrupted my plan of how the work will go so much that I panicked and felt dizzy and kind of breathless for the rest of the day, and wanted to physically get away. I had maths class in the afternoon and my notes are not readable, my handwriting is usually very clean.

• on T outburst: Today I was cooking and my mum came home and I didn't find any heavy cream in the fridge and asked her what I should put into the dish instead. I hadn't seasoned it yet so she proposed I'd throw in the tomato sauce that was leftover from yesterday's pizza. I put it in the dish and was immediately struck with an outburst of anger and disgust. I had planned to season it with nutmeg and basically make a winter pasta dish and this was impossible after I added the tomato sauce. I felt incredibly disgusted and had to crack my knuckles in order to release tension. I immediately felt sick, got a fast heartbeat (still lingers on even five hours later) and dizzy. I wanted to destroy things and didn't eat any of the food until like two hours later. I wanted to go outside for a run but it's freezing and I'm not used to running at all, so I sat down and finished a drawing.

It's always triggered by really small random things and I think it's got to do with feeling like I lose control over a situation, and mostly when things don't go as I planned, even if the other option is not worse in any way. It's not rational at all. I tend to imagine situations really clearly - I imagined my coming out at school to be in a specific room but then it was another room and I had to imagine the whole thing again in order to feel calm about it. It's the same with presentations. Rationally, it doesn't matterin which room my coming out is but I get so distressed and helpless when my plans/imaginations get disrupted.

Does anyone have similar experiences? How can I deal with this? I really don't want to hurt anyone - as I said, I'm usually very calm and I like avoiding conflicts and not bothering people too much.

TL;DR (It doesn't happen too often, luckily) I get random anxiety/anger attacks that physically linger on for hours, they're triggered when my plans get disrupted even if the option that happens isn't in any way worse or affecting me differently than the one I imagined. It's shifted from "anxiety and hiding in a corner" to "being angry, throwing things and wanting to punch things" since I started T. How can I overcome/avoid such situations and how can I alter my reaction into a more calm/more positive one?

Submitted December 18, 2016 at 06:45PM by helloitslouis http://ift.tt/2h028HY