It's always been like this for me. Whenever something good happens in my life, I feel the worst. Or when I do something that should be good for me, I feel terrible in my head.
Lately I've been taking a turn in my life, ultimately for the better. I've been seeing a gender therapist, I'm getting a new job, I've been exercising, cooking. I mean, I'm generally in a better mood. But, now, when something triggers the dysphoria, it comes in 10× worse.
I think it could be that all the good stuff just contrasts the negative so damn much... It's holding me back. I could be something greater, but, every. single. time...
I get off my ass and start doing stuff, my brain's like, "Oh yeah, you like feeling good? Too bad no matter how much you do, you'll never be satisfied. You'll never be a real woman. Try and be a real man again, because that worked out so well, huh?"
It's like I can't just be happy for once. It's a constant cycle. Do good, feel good for a bit then crash, feeling bad and doing bad, work my way back to doing good, rinse repeat. I don't know, I'm sick of it... I'm just sick of it.
I'm not going to give up, but, damn, does it suck. I know it won't get better if I don't try, but, I almost want to give up. It'd sure be easier. I'd hate every second of it but it's less work. Fighting my own thoughts is harder than anything I've done in my life. I want to just give in.
Every day I struggle to figure out how to beat it. I know I'm not alone in that regard, but, how do you deal with it?
Submitted February 01, 2017 at 01:05AM by Kit-K http://ift.tt/2jUEJch
No comments:
Post a Comment