To understand this relationship we need some backstory... a lot of backstory... My best friend since high school, henceforth referred to as $MrFriend, has had a history of bad relationships. When we were in college he started dating a new girl, who we will refer to as $TheLoco. $TheLoco had a lot of mental problems which ultimately ended in her threatening to kill herself if $MrFriend left her. In the end he managed to make it out with what was left of his sanity. He was pretty sad that another relationship fell apart but all of his friends were there to help him through it.
After a while he took some class where they talked about abusive relationships and was surprised to learn "Hey apparently me and $TheLoco were in an abusive relationship" to which I responded "I've been telling you this for months..."
And then in 2012 he met his current girlfriend... We'll call her $TheCrazy. $MrFriend met $TheCrazy through $TheLoco. She at one point was $TheLoco's best friend but they had a falling out. I remember when I first met $TheCrazy. $MrFriend asked me what I thought of her...
$Me: She's the asian version of $TheLoco.
$MrFriend: What?
$Me: She reminds me of ex-girlfriend... but asian.
$MrFriend: You mean like... she looks like her?
$Me: ...sure let's go with that...
I've always regretted that response...
Fast forward a bit and I've already started to notice problems in $MrFriend and $TheLoco's relationship. It started with small things and weird comments like her saying "I have a saying. What's his is mine and what's mine is more mine!" Of course this meant she would always take his phone or laptop but god forbid he touched her stuff. Then there was this time where they found another one of those abusive relationship tests and laughed along as they read it and pointed out all of the things they do and "WOW WHAT A STUPID TEST HAHAHA."
The most telling part to me though was when he effectively had to act as her chauffeur since she had no license. Now that in itself wasn't bad but what I noticed was that whenever he had to go pick her up (as I often was in the car on these trips) is he would get more and more stressed the closer we got to the pickup time because if he was even one minute late, no matter what the reason was, she wouldn't talk to him for hours afterwards, and next time he had somewhere to be she would passive aggressively take her time getting ready and say thing like "Oh I thought it wasn't important to be on time." My friends and I also started noticing that when $TheCrazy was around everything always had to go her way. If we made plans as a group they were subject to change based on her availability or what she wanted to do. There was also more than one time where they broke up for a day or so before getting back together again.
Now around this time (2013) I was busy making relationship mistakes of my own in the form of my new "that's a whole other story" who we'll call $SpecialK. I met $SpecialK through $MrFriend. I would often vent to $SpecialK about $MrFriend and $TheCrazy. She was also not a fan of $TheCrazy so we would go back and forth like this for hours.
Then in March of 2014 $SpecialK decided to tell $MrFriend what I thought about his relationship.
Understandably he was mad that I was talking about him and his girlfriend behind their backs. We had a very long talk where I told him my concerns about his relationship and that I wan't trying to be a dick and that of course I still love him and everything. He was very understanding and told me that he was happy with $TheCrazy and that the things I noticed weren't really big issues but more isolated incidents and that she did a lot of stuff for him and he loved her. We agreed that $SpecialK probably said a lot of things out of context and it was probably best for both of us if we cut her out of any conversation about anything private... Since this wasn't the first time she did something like this.
For a while things returned to some degree of normalcy. I started dating my wonderful new girlfriend, $MrFriend and $TheCrazy continued their relationship as they had before, and everything was fine.
Then $TheCrazy got kicked out of her house by her family for reasons that remain unclear to me.
With nowhere else to go $MrFriend somehow convinced his mom, $MamaFriend, to let $TheCrazy move in with them. $MrFriend and $TheCrazy now lived together. This is where things started to go south. $MrFriend and $TheCrazy started to fight a lot more now that they had no time apart. It eventually got to the point where $MrFriend would come to my house and stay there all day. I remember one instance went something like this, $MrFriend and I were sitting together playing video games when his phone rang and he got up to answer it.
$MrFriend: Hey baby... yea I'm with Throwaway, he's fixing my computer. It'll probably be a while, lot of problems. Love you too bye.
Me: Why did you lie to her about me fixing your computer? ...are you hiding from her?
$MrFriend: I just need some time to relax... I can't deal with it right now...
The conversation basically ended there and we went back to playing video games.
Over the next year or so my friends and I noticed $MrFriend growing more stressed. Everything he did was on $TheCrazy's schedule. He woke up every morning to drive her to work, then he'd have a few hours to go to class or go on some day trip but he had to be in the parking lot of her work at 4:59 to get her or else. This meant he was pretty limited on what he could do during the day. He would also play video games with us at night but he had to be ready to drop it at a moments notice if she needed him for something. I talked to him again a few times about this but nothing really came of it.
Then in June of 2015, in spite of the fact that I had largely cut her out of my life, $SpecialK decided she wasn't done causing problems... so she told $TheCrazy that everyone had a problem with her and $MrFriend's relationship.
This unleashed the shitshow. It started with me getting a bunch of midnight texts from $TheCrazy calling me a fat mama's boy who was jealous of her relationship with $MrFriend and sorry he wasn't allowed to play video games for 18 hours a day anymore like I did and I should grow up and get a real job blah blah blah crazy. There was also a Facebook rant about everyone bashing her relationship but I didn't see it since she blocked me immediately after the texting incident.
I didn't text $MrFriend because I didn't want $TheCrazy to interfere with any text conversation I had with him. I did talk to several other of my friends, one of whom we'll call $Grunt. $Grunt was dating $SpecialK at the time and also got a tirade from $TheCrazy but wouldn't tell anyone what it said. $SpecialK soon cut all ties with $MrFriend.
So now $MrFriend knows that everyone hates his girlfriend. I finally get to talk to him in person and he says that $TheCrazy was mad that everyone was bad mouthing her. I tell him that I never talked behind his back and that everything I had ever said about his relationship was stuff that I said to him. He's not mad at me but I'm kind of mad that he defended $TheCrazy's rants.
$Grunt was mad at $SpecialK for talking to $TheCrazy and causing all of these problems but ultimately he was angrier with $MrFriend for defending $TheCrazy so he also cut ties too.
Then $MrFriend and $TheCrazy announced that they were moving to Iowa so $MrFriend could go to school there. We were all sad to see him go but sadder that he was going to a place where he would have only her.
Shortly before their move I checked his Facebook and found another surprise. Relationship Status: Engaged. I texted him immediately and asked when he got engaged. He told me it'd been a few weeks but they were waiting to make an announcement. He asked how I found out and was surprised it was on his Facebook. I did my best to pretend to congratulate him.
The engagement didn't last very long. About two weeks after I found out apparently she got mad about something and broke it off. But this didn't last long either because they were back together again before most of us could even realize they broke up.
Fast forward again to December. They're living in Iowa and issues abound. $TheCrazy quit a decent paying job with no notice because it was too stressful. $MrFriend goes through her phone and finds that she’s been flirting with other guys on Tinder. He has considered breaking up with her several times and has been taking to a therapist who also told him basically dump $TheCrazy and GTFO. He tells me that $TheCrazy has destroyed his self esteem but he still loves her and can't leave her.
$MamaFriend told $MrFriend she is going to stop paying for school unless he breaks up with $TheCrazy and comes home. So they finally break up and $TheCrazy decides she will move in with her uncle in Florida... Just as it looks like $MrFriend will be home for Christmas, $TheCrazy tries to kill herself. Plans are canceled and $MrFriend stays where he is to help her. $MamaFriend won't help $MrFriend move home if $TheCrazy comes with him and $TheCrazy's family wants nothing to do with her after the attempt. After she's released from the hospital she apologizes to him and begs him to take her back and promises to seek counseling. She never does.
Come the new year, $MrFriend has dropped out of school and is working a full time job that he hates to support him and $TheCrazy. $TheCrazy took a shittier job that pays less. Things seem to return to normal...
Then in April they break up again. This time $MrFriend was planning a trip home which wasn't canceled. I went to meet him at his mom’s house. Her and I got to talking in the kitchen. She told me that $TheCrazy was the reason that she wanted $MrFriend to move out. $TheCrazy was super disrespectful to both $MrFriend and $MamaFriend. She told me and our other friend to get $MrFriend to come back home.
When he was home my friends and I were pretty vocal about how we thought he shouldn’t get back together with $TheCrazy. He agreed but seemed pretty depressed about losing her. He felt like he would never be able to replace her… he did sleep with someone else that weekend though so I don’t think that’s true.
Then he went back to Iowa and they got back together… again. He stopped talking to us about his relationship and frankly seemed embarrassed by it. Everything was fine and dandy until that summer when they broke up… again… She made this whole big deal about moving out to go live with her uncle again and told $MrFriend that he wasn’t acting like a partner and had lost all of his confidence. $MrFriend prepared to move home again.
Then she tried to kill herself… again… This time the wonderful hospital wanted $MrFriend to sign her out and take legal responsibility for her. We all told him not to and were actually surprised when he didn’t. We thought he would be free but then the hospital decided to declare her sane and release her on her own. He felt responsible for her and still loved her so he started taking care of her again. She came back, they got back together, she agreed to seek counseling (she never did) and everything was fine and dandy… again…
Fast forward again to January of this year. $MrFriend tells me that he hasn’t had sex in four months and before that it was also four to five months. When he brings it up to her she gets mad and yells at him because “that’s all he ever wants.” Whenever he brings up relationship trouble or couples counseling he gets shot down. She complains that he won’t compromise for her when he bends over backwards for her. She also quite vocally won’t change for him saying “accept who I am or break up.” He does all of the shopping, all of the cooking, takes care of their dogs, runs to the store at 2am to get her whatever she wants, and basically waits on her hand and foot. She goes off on him for every little mistake he makes or thing he does calling him irresponsible or childish and questioning why she’s with him.
Now $MrFriend has been occasionally posting on various subs on Reddit asking for relationship advice for the last year or so. Last week, $TheCrazy finally found his Reddit account and went ballistic on him for “bashing her to everyone” online. She left the apartment and disappeared for three days before she comes back. They break up and she says she’s moving out. He’s devastated. He’s been avoiding her and tries to spend as little time at home as possible. A group of friends and I have been trying to get him to come home. He says he wants to but doesn’t know how.
He tells me he knows she’s not good for him and mistreats him but he still loves her and can’t leave her. I’ve tried asking him what he loves about her but he couldn’t name anything beyond “she’s nice when she’s not crazy.” I’ve tried pointing out that we’ve had this discussion seven times before and he keeps going back. I’ve tried pointing out her manipulation tactics and the abuse cycle. I even offered to buy him a plane ticket home. He keeps making excuses like “what if she apologizes and wants to come back?” “What if I never find anyone like her again?” “What if I can’t find a job back home?”
TL;DR
My best friend has been in this relationship for 4 years and 7 breakups. Each progressive breakup is getting worse and he has lost all of his self confidence. He does all of the shopping, all of the cooking, takes care of their dogs, runs to the store at 2am to get her whatever she wants, and basically waits on her hand and foot. She goes off on him for every little mistake he makes or thing he does calling him irresponsible or childish and questioning why she’s with him. The most recent breakup is over him venting about his relationship on Reddit. He can’t seem to break away from her and she keeps pulling him back in. As long as he thinks he has a chance he won’t leave. None of us are sure what to tell him anymore.
TL;DR;TL;DR
Go listen to Self Esteem by The Offspring. It’s like that but with less guitar and more crying.
Submitted January 31, 2017 at 03:29PM by OrangeJThrowAway http://ift.tt/2kOMeDh
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